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So much for being positive

It's so hard to stay positive when everyone around you is negative. Everyone is sick, everyone is dying. Every time I turn on the news there are more shootings, stabbings and murders. What has this world come to?
I don't know how much longer I can take it. The pain is there worse than ever, constantly. Most people get annoyed with me when I talk about it so thats why I write, no one has to read it. When I don't talk about whats happening I end up in a bad mood all the time and just sit there and think to myself how much my body is aching and crippling. Sometimes I just want to let it out, to scream and cry and tell someone that I'm losing use of my entire body. I haven't been able to straighten my fingers for two and a half years and my wrist for a year and a half. I've completely lost my left hand and it kills me inside every time I think about it. I am sick and tired of wearing a brace on my hand, its uncomfortable, it looks ridiculous and its impossible to do anything. I can't stand it anymore!! I don't want sympathy, I don't want you to cry for me or to hold my hand, or to even say anything. I just have to let it out sometimes, I just want to feel good for a change.
When Hailey starts walking I want to hold her hand and help her learn. When she gives me a hug, I want to hug her back. When she puts her hands up for me to hold her, I want to pick her up. There are so many things I want to do with and for my baby girl that I am so scared I won't be able to do. I hope someday, somewhere, someone can fix this hand. :(

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