When Pineapple socks aren’t enough

I wake up in the morning, get my kids ready for school, make my husband and I a cup of coffee and take three small pills. When you look at them you’d never imagine what they could do to your body but right from the beginning I was willing to do it. No matter what it took, I would do it. Little did I know, these pills would just be another part of the sadness. I continue on my day, limiting caffeine, watching what I eat and gaining a pound a minute. Before bed, Jim injects more medication into my buttocks. These medications are supposed to be getting my body ready to have a baby but for some reason this small thing that I want so badly is so hard to achieve. Since the day I met Jim, we’ve wanted a baby. We’ve picked out names, first outfits, and ways we want to tell our parents the news. It’s been 4 years since we agreed we wanted to start trying and we still don’t have it. Just before Covid hit, we decided to see a fertility specialist to help us achieve pregnancy. We tracked my cycle and took many vitamins and still we had no luck. In 2020, we decided to seek out ivf. Because of Covid, we met with our doctor via zoom, learned how the process would work and decided to make a plan to try iui. I had to take specific medications at an exact time each day to prepare my body a couple days before the procedure. After the appointment they told me everything went well and to wait about two weeks to see if it was successful. For some reason I had high hopes that the first time it would just work. When it didn’t, I was devastated. But, I stayed positive and tried again only to get more negative tests. After that we took some time off to focus on life, each other and our children. It was a tough time, the kids were homeschooled for a while, the world was pretty much shut down and I was having trouble accepting the fact that I wasn’t pregnant again. The beginning of 2022 came and we decided to start again. We had another zoom consult with our doctor and decided to move forward with IVF. The first step was starting birth control pills to regulate my cycle so they could time an egg retrieval. I was moody, irritable and had headaches. Once it was time to stop those I had to start giving myself injections every night. There were two different kinds of medications and my whole abdomen was bruised. About a week before the egg retrieval I had to go in for blood work and ultrasounds almost every day. They were looking to see how many follicles I had and how big they were so they could time it appropriately. Every afternoon I waited very impatiently for my phone call to see if it was time. Finally, 12 days later I was ready. That night I had to give myself a different injection, this one a trigger shot. Two days later, Jim drove me in to have the egg retrieval done. It was very successful and everything looked great. I was crampy and bloated for a few days after but overall just ready for the next step. I waited for the call to let me know how many eggs fertilized and 5 days later I was going in for an embryo transfer. I put on my pineapple socks and went in for the procedure, very excited, thinking this time it’s going to work! The next nine days were excruciating. Every symptom made me go crazy, wondering if it was the medication, if I was pregnant or if I was getting my period. Six days after the transfer I started to bleed. I immediately panicked and called my doctor. They assured me it was normal and it was likely from the progesterone suppositories I had been told to start right after the transfer. The next day the bleeding was worse and was accompanied by cramping. I called my doctor again, who still said it was normal. That night, I decided to take a pregnancy test and I was shocked to see two pink lines. Because I was still bleeding and the line was faint, I took another test the next morning. Positive! Jim and I were so excited but deep down I still felt like something was off. Jim went to work and I was planning on meeting him with the kids and his mom for lunch. We had it all planned out that we were going to tell her that she was going to have a new grandbaby! As the day went on, the bleeding and cramping continued to get worse. By the time I got to the restaurant, I was in tears and knew something bad was going on. I called the doctor once again and they agreed I should go in the next day for a blood test. I got the call that afternoon that it was positive but my numbers were too low and they suspected a biochemical pregnancy. I spent the rest of the week trying to figure out why this wasn’t working. Everything made me cry and I just wanted to curl up in a ball and give up. But I couldn’t. I wanted this too badly. I cried and spent a few days trying to accept it then put it behind me and focused on the next cycle. I had to wait about a month before I could start, to give the doctors time to order my medications and approve my cycle. On cycle day one, I called to let the doctor know it was time to try again. This time, I didn’t have to go through the egg retrieval because we ended up with 4 frozen embryos. The protocol would be slightly different this time around. I started a new medication right away, the three small pills twice a day. They made me moody and fat but like I said, I’ll do anything and everything to make this happen. After a couple weeks of this medication, I went in to have blood work and an ultrasound done to see if I was responding. Everything looked great and I was told to start my progesterone injections the next day and my transfer would be on Halloween! I was overly excited to get things moving again, I read everything I could online to help me come up with different things I could do to make this work but I still worried. Before confirming my appointment, I made sure it would be ok to trick or treat with my kids that night and they said absolutely, so I had the transfer that day. I got a picture of the little embryo and was told it was graded perfectly and survived the thaw great. I even ate McDonald’s French fries (yuck) when I got home because that’s some kind of myth that gives you good luck. I wore my pineapple socks, I ate pineapple and I drank pomegranate juice. All the things that are supposed to help, even though deep down I know it really is just luck. That night I went trick or treating with my family and we ended up walking more than I expected. I ended up having Jim pick me up because I was starting to think I was overdoing it. The next week I did great with keeping myself busy and distracted. Jim and I went away for our anniversary and 5 days after the transfer I started feeling nauseous so I took a test. It was negative but I just told myself that it was too early. I didn’t cry or worry, I just went on with our day and enjoyed it. That afternoon I started to get cramps and that’s when the worry and paranoia set it. I couldn’t stop thinking about it every time I felt a cramp. I decided at that point I would just wait until my blood test, which was scheduled for 5 days later. The next day the cramps were worse and I couldn’t help but worry more. This journey is nothing like anything I’ve ever experienced. It makes you crazy, emotional, exhausted. Every little thing makes you cry, worry, lose hope. The next day I spent cleaning and painting. It made me feel like a different person to just do something and get my mind off it. I didn’t feel one cramp all day and I was so happy. I started to think maybe this is the one. Maybe it worked. Maybe, just maybe in 9 months I’ll have a little baby. I started going crazy again and the next morning took another test just to see a negative again. This time I was more upset because enough time had gone by that if it worked this test would be positive. I threw it away and spent the day painting again. I had a lot of fun and that night played Yahtzee and laughed a lot. The next day, with no painting to do, jim at work and the kids at school, I sat alone in sadness all day. I can’t begin to tell you the kind of sadness this brings. I tried hard to hide it when I was around people but when alone, it’s all I could think about. As the day went on, the cramps got worse and I just knew that my pineapple socks weren’t enough this round either. The morning of November 10th I got up and had just a quick feeling of hope as I got ready for my blood test and didn’t feel any cramps. I went in at 830 then had a relaxing day getting my hair done and anxiously waited for my phone call with the results. I tried to think both ways, if it’s negative I get to have a beer this weekend for my birthday! But the truth was, I didn’t want a beer. I wanted to be drinking lemonade and crying over food cravings. I checked the patient portal every 30 seconds waiting for that number. Because I had the negative home test I already knew the blood test would be negative but I tried to still think that maybe the test was wrong. I saw the number on the patient portal finally at 2:00 in the afternoon. It was 4.94. The first cycle it was 13 and that was too low so I knew immediately that this number was not good. The sadness hit me like a ton of bricks and I just assumed they’d call me and say the test was negative. About 15 minutes later, the nurse called me and said your blood test is positive… but it’s a low positive. I never thought she’d say the word positive in our conversation so I was thrown off but held on to that little word. She said, continue your medication in case this is a viable pregnancy and come back Monday to see where your numbers are at. WHAT? how could this possibly be viable? Her next sentence is what I expected from the beginning… “we think this is probably a biochemical pregnancy”. I don’t usually play the “why me” game but right now that’s how I feel. Why won’t this work? They said it’s likely caused by a genetic abnormality in the embryo. This makes me think that our next step might be genetic testing. This will delay the process but it also could prevent me from having many more failed cycles and have to deal with the intense emotions that come with it. I’m willing to pay whatever I have to and do whatever I can to make this work. It’s so hard to hide the pain, I’ve been trying really hard because no one wants to be around me when I’m upset. But, how can you force a smile and be happy when everyone around you is pregnant and you can’t get pregnant no matter what you do? I don’t want people to tell me their pregnant or to ask me if I am and I hate that I feel that way. Maybe next time my pineapple socks will be enough to give me some luck. The cramps got worse over the next couple days and by Monday I had started to bleed. I went in for a repeat blood test, knowing that my numbers would go down. I checked the patient portal that afternoon and was shocked to see the number went up from 4 to 12. I knew this number still was too low, and now that I was bleeding it still meant this didn’t work but it was still confusing. The nurse called me shortly after and told me to watch for rectal pressure, severe bleeding, or cramping on one side radiating into my shoulder. I knew this meant that an ectopic pregnancy was now in question. The cramps got pretty severe over the next couple days but I had no other symptoms so I just waited until Friday for another blood test. The bleeding stopped but I still had light cramping. I started to get nervous and on Thursday started having shoulder pain. Of course, I went to the internet to research everything about an ectopic pregnancy but found no definitive answers. I also was going to PT for my neck at the time so tried to just assume the pain was from that. Friday morning I had a blood test and waited very impatiently all day for the results. Around 1:30, I checked the patient portal and then got a call from my doctor that my hcg went up again, to 19. Panic set in and the tears started. I’ve done too much research to know what’s going to happen if this is ectopic. The end result with any treatment is waiting months to start Ivf again. That hurts more than I can explain. The nurse told me it’s unlikely to be ectopic but I was still concerned. I now had to wait until Tuesday to go back for more blood work. This whole process is hard but the hardest part is waiting. Over the weekend I felt pretty good and enjoyed my time with Jim. On Monday I started having stomach pains and light bleeding again. I was so anxious I called and asked if I could get my blood work that day instead of Tuesday. They said they like to wait a certain number of days, so I went Tuesday morning. I saw my results on the patient portal that afternoon and they had gone up to 20. I panicked, as usual. Shortly after, the nurse called to tell me they weren’t worried and to come back Saturday, “it should start going down by then” I heard her say exactly the same way she has said it the last two times. I tried to accept that this was normal, but boy was it a long process and a lot of emotion. I waited until Saturday to have blood work again, not too concerned along the way because the number didn’t rise that much. I still checked the patient portal frequently but just expected the number to be much lower. When I saw that it had gone up to 99 I really started to worry. The tears rolled down my face as the nurse called me to go over the results. This time, she was concerned. Finally, maybe they will do something. She told me I had to go in the next day for more blood work, an ultrasound and an appointment with the doctor. It was a hard day and I kept thinking i was feeling symptoms but I couldn’t tell if I was imagining it. I was so scared something bad was going to happen, what if I was bleeding internally and didn’t know it? What if I waited too long to see a doctor? I sometimes wondered if this process was worth it, then I thought of a little baby in my arms and knew I had to keep going. Sunday morning came, we dropped the kids off with my parents and headed to Waltham to have blood work and an ultrasound. The ultrasound tech came to get me and asked me how far along I was. I was devastated because I knew I wasn’t pregnant so why is she asking me this? The ultrasound seemed like it took forever and she said she couldn’t see anything. There was no gestational sac and she couldn’t confirm an ectopic. She took several pictures then I went on to have blood work. The phlebotomist tried to take blood as she was singing and dancing and couldn’t get any. She moved the needle around and laughed that it wasn’t in the right spot. I was already emotional but this made me mad. After I flinched from pain, she said I guess I better not dig around and pulled it out. Then she tried on my other arm and succeeded but added to my collection of bruises. I then met with the doctor and didn’t really know what to expect. My fear was that they didn’t know what they were doing and I was going to end up in an emergency situation. The doctor came in and went over my numbers and kept saying “we can’t do anything yet in case this is a viable pregnancy.” I don’t understand how my numbers can be what they are, they found nothing on the ultrasound and they still think this could be viable. She kept saying it was highly unlikely and my chances of actually being pregnant were very very low but I had to have one more appointment to confirm before they did anything for an ectopic. So the plan was to wait until Thursday and have another ultrasound and blood work and if nothing has changed they will give me an injection of methotrexate to get rid of the cells in my body. I did a lot of reading on this drug and it makes me very nervous. It is a chemo medication and can cause a lot of side effects. On top of that, I will not be able to try again for months. Another heart breaking moment. On Tuesday that week I had a zoom call with my doctor to plan out the next cycle and talk about my situation. Her suggestion was to do an endometrial biopsy to scrape the uterus and this typically triggers a miscarriage. She wanted me to still get the ultrasound and blood work Thursday and depending what it showed we could plan to do the biopsy or the methotrexate injection. I went in Thursday morning and had a very thorough ultrasound, where they still couldn’t see anything. I then had blood work and met with a nurse practitioner. She said she wanted to wait until my lab work came back and talk to my doctor and then they would call me with a plan. That afternoon I got a call telling me my numbers went up again, to 286 and I have to go in the next day for a biopsy. The next step will be to check my HCG again on Monday and if it’s still rising, we will move forward with the methotrexate. I went in on Friday to have the biopsy done and experienced the worst pain ever. The nurse talked to me like I was 3 then inserted a tool to hold my cervix in place. After scraping my uterus 30 times and grinding my teeth in pain, it was over. Saturday morning I got the call that the biopsy results were back and there was no sign of pregnancy in my uterus. As much as I expected this, it was still hard to hear. I knew at that moment the biopsy was not going to take care of this and I was likely going to need the methotrexate injection. They told me to still go in Monday to check the HCG and we will make a plan from there. So Monday came and I went in for blood work again. The same situation as every other time, I checked the portal hundreds of times before seeing the number pop up: 410. I felt sick to my stomach as I waited to hear from the nurse. Finally, I got a call from the doctor herself. She said I had three options. I could still wait it out, I could go have a more thorough ultrasound or I could do the methotrexate injection. At this point I was just sick of waiting so I told her I wanted to do the injection. They emailed me a long list of side effects and things you can’t do on this medication and scheduled me for the next day. Tuesday morning I had to go in for more blood work and to get my height and weight before they could tell me the dosage and what time to do the injection. I closed my eyes and told the nurse I didn’t want to hear my weight. I had gained what felt like 80lbs through this process and knowing there’s no baby made it very depressing. They called me that afternoon to tell me to pick up the medication at CVS and go to the doctors office between 1 and 430. Of course both my kids were home sick that day so once I got them to go with their dad, I made a plan to leave. Before heading to cvs, I checked the patient portal just for the heck of it and my hcg had gone down to 408. It wasn’t a big drop but it was the first time the number went down. At this point I was just confused. I talked to jim and we decided to call the nurse to see what she thought. It took forever for her to call me back so we headed to cvs anyway and picked up the medication. She called me back 3 minutes before pulling into the parking lot of the doctors office. Basically they were leaving it up to me. If I wanted to go ahead with the injection I could or I could wait until Thursday and check my hcg again and see if it’s dropping. I decided to wait because the side effects of methotrexate scared me. Thursday morning I went in for more blood work. I was in excruciating pain from my dystonia acting up because of all the stress. It was the longest day I’ve ever experienced waiting for the numbers this time. They finally popped up in the afternoon… 461. The nurse called me shortly after to confirm that I needed to go in the next morning for the injection of methotrexate. I went in Friday morning, ready for the injection. Jim had planned to go in late so he could bring me. We had picked up what we thought was the medication on Tuesday so we thought everything was ready to go. I handed the nurse the prescription bag so she could prep it and sat down to wait. Not even a minute later she came back out and asked if we had the medication. I guess the guy from CVS only gave us a syringe without the actual medicine. It was getting later and jim had to go to work so we drove home, he went to work and I got my car to go to cvs then back to the doctor. Finally, I was ready. Two nurses brought me into a room and told me to pull my pants down a little and lean against the exam bed. It was a very uncomfortable moment but I did it while they injected the medication into each side of my buttocks. I jumped a little but it really didn’t hurt. They gave me a long list of side effects I could experience and things to avoid over the next couple weeks and sent me on my way. I didn’t feel anything that afternoon but started to get cramps that night. I figured I would wake up with cramping and bleeding on Saturday but I was completely fine. Over the weekend I never had any symptoms and as happy as I was about that, it made me wonder if it was working. There was no way to know though until I got my blood work again. Monday morning they checked my HCG and it was at 377.2. I was relieved to see this number on the patient portal and after the nurse called to confirm the number I felt much better. The medication was working. I had to go back a week later to check again and it went down to 145.8! By the middle of January my numbers were finally at 0. It was time to start again. I assumed this meant I could just call on my cycle day 1 and start the process again… but nope. I had to schedule another appointment over zoom with my doctor, which wouldn’t be for another month. Once we had that appointment and made a plan, it was time to start again. At that point, I just had to wait for my period to start to call the office and start another cycle. February 19 I was ready to go… day one of cycle #3. I started going in for monitoring on February 28th. They did an ultrasound and blood work, looking for a follicle 18mm or bigger, my lining to be 8-11 and my estrogen levels to rise. I had to go every couple days until finally on March 13th they told me I was ready for the trigger shot. I did it that night and scheduled my transfer for the following Monday, March 20th. I put on my pineapple socks once again and was ready. This time we were transferring two embryos, which were both graded 5AA. They told me that one had started to hatch already so I got a little nervous but then they said that’s good and makes them more sticky! I started to get excited and I promised myself I’d stay calm through this cycle and the first week I did. I didn’t talk about it, I didn’t think about it and I didn’t get stressed out. 7 days after the transfer I had some cramping. I wasn’t too concerned… until I saw blood. At first it seemed like very light pink spotting but by the middle of the day it was red and immediately I felt sadness. I still didn’t know what it meant because this time around there were two embryos so if one failed, I could still have a chance. But any cramping or blood scared me. So, jim and I decided it was best if I took a test to avoid the stress of waiting another 3 days for blood work. I took a test that night and it was negative. I was a little sad but over it quickly because I knew there could still be a chance. Jim and I fought that night about whether or not we should continue to do this. It’s hard on us both and I don’t know how many more cycles we could handle but at the same time I don’t want to give up. The heart ache is more painful than any brain surgery I’ve ever gone through. I’m learning how to hide the pain and be strong enough to continue to be a mother and a wife. The next morning the bleeding was worse, like a period. I wanted to cry but I didn’t. It’s like I expected it and as hopeful and excited about this cycle as I was last week, my hope just went away. I’m not trying to be negative and maybe there’s some crazy chance this could still work, I’m just preparing myself for them to say it didn’t. The next morning the bleeding was worse so I emailed the nurse. She said they could do the blood work that day, March 28th. I took a quick shower and was on my way. I’m sure you know by now how my afternoon went checking the portal 1500 times. Around 2:30 I got the call, after already seeing the bad news. My HCG level was at 0.79. This actually was easier to deal with than when it was at 4 or 13. They said right away it was negative, to stop my meds and follow up with my doctor the next day. I was still so heartbroken and the day was hard but I tried to focus on planning the next cycle… our last frozen embryo. The next day I woke up and went to the fridge to get a drink and immediately my eyes locked on the picture hanging there with my two little embryos. I tried to look away and start making my coffee but when I went to put the creamer away and saw it again I grabbed it and tossed it in the trash. My sadness had somehow turned into anger. I just don’t understand why this isn’t working. The next day we had a zoom meeting with the doctor. The first thing she brought up was how I had a cyst on my ovary and it has been there since my egg retrieval (7 months ago!!!!) she explained how it was filled with blood and could be an endometrioma which is usually present if you have endometriosis. Immediately, it brought me back to my high school days when I was diagnosed with endometriosis and told I’d likely never get pregnant. It obviously got better for a short time because I’ve had two kids but it seems like it’s back and could be preventing me from getting pregnant this time around. I was frustrated with the doctor for not taking care of this before my last 3 Ivf cycles but agreed to go ahead with treating it so we could try one more time with our very last embryo. So, I was told I’d need to take letrezole every day for two months along with two injections of Lupron. These things should calm down the endometriosis and allow me to hopefully successfully get pregnant. I spent the next few days receiving birth announcements and pictures of at least 6 people that I knew that were having babies. Every picture that came in brought tears to my eyes. I was so happy for every single one of them but selfishly so jealous. Yes, I’ve had kids before but that doesn’t make the heartbreak of not being able to get pregnant again any easier. I finally got the call a few days later about the lupron and letrezole that I was supposed to start taking. I was already having anxiety when I heard the pharmacist tell me that my copay was $1500. I thought before this call I was done crying for a while but then it started again. There’s always something holding me back. Time to start saving and figure out how to make this happen. I knew there was no way we were going to come up with this money so I accepted the fact that I would have to wait a little bit. Then we had a very generous family member offer to help us. Then, the tears started again. I was so thankful and appreciative I couldn’t function. I decided if this was the answer, and if this worked and we had a baby, this person would 100% be chosen to be our child’s godparent. We received that money that week and ordered the medication. It was delivered the following Tuesday, I had baseline blood work Wednesday and the injection Thursday. Thursday night I also started taking two small pills twice a day that would likely cause me to gain even more weight. People were already judging me and my weight so I didn’t really care anymore but I did decide to start walking (as much as I could with the Dystonia flare ups) to try to be as healthy as possible for my future baby (and for myself). Two months went by fairly quickly since we were focused on walking and healthy eating. June 13th I went in for my baseline blood work and ultrasound and later that day got a call to start taking my other medication. This was the estradiol and I would have to go back June 30th for another ultrasound and blood work. The afternoon of June 30th I got a phone call that everything looked great and my transfer was scheduled for July 6th. I started doing the progesterone injections the next day and prepared myself for my fourth transfer. July 6th came fast and this time I didn’t wear my pineapple socks, I didn’t eat McDonald’s fries or obsess over what to do and not do. I just drove there, had the transfer and then waited for ten long days. For ten days I waited for symptoms that never came. I had a few cramps here and there and nausea a couple times. On day 8 I decided to take a test and I saw two pink lines. I laid in bed next to Jim and showed him and I couldn’t stop smiling. “I don’t see anything”, he said. So then I thought I was crazy and it was in my head. We both got up and looked together under the light and saw the very obvious two pink lines. We decided not to tell anyone until we knew for sure and I saw my family more than once so hiding my excitement was so hard. Sunday morning, July 16 we got up and we all took a ride to Waltham to get the blood test. I had hope this time around because I had no bleeding and everything seemed good but I tried not to just assume. The blood test was at 10 and at 1130 I got the call. This came much sooner than I expected, before I even had a chance to look at the patient portal hundreds of times. The nurse on the other line said “congratulations, you’re pregnant!” Immediately jim and I started to cry, it just didn’t seem real yet. I had to go back two days later to make sure the number was rising so while I waited I thought about baby names and searched the internet for everything baby related. I got the call that afternoon that my hcg levels increased by 87% and they look for it to increase atleast 60%! They said it was great news and to check in one more time in two days then they would schedule my ultrasound. Two days later I had some cramping but I went in for my blood work and asked the nurse if that was normal. She said it usually means I need to drink more water and as soon as I did I felt better. I got my results that afternoon and it had more than doubled! They were very happy with the number and scheduled my ultrasound for about 7 weeks. Around 6 weeks I had a little scare with some spotting but thankfully the nurse said it was normal and it went away after that one time. Over the next several weeks I started having some nausea and by 7 weeks it was pretty bad. I also had quite a few headaches that Tylenol wouldn’t touch. I had some extreme exhaustion and couldn’t keep my eyes open most nights to watch any tv with Jim. I could feel my belly getting larger and my clothes getting smaller but I knew at this stage it was mostly due to bloating. I couldn’t wait until my ultrasound to see the little heartbeat and was eager to start telling people and start shopping! At 7 weeks 3 days we went in for our first ultrasound. I was a nervous wreck all morning picturing the best and worst possibilities of this day. We walked in to the ultrasound room and I laid on the bed while jim sat next to me. The screen was pointing towards the ultrasound tech so we couldn’t see anything at first. I felt myself shaking in excitement and anxiety. Then her face lit up and she said “I see a baby and a heartbeat!” I asked her immediately if we could see it and through many tears I looked at the screen and saw my baby’s heartbeat for the first time. I could barely keep it together while she told us that everything looked perfect and printed us some pictures. We went out to the car and just sat there for a minute while we hugged and cried. It took us so long and so many hard days to get to this point but we were finally here. It felt so real now. I was officially discharged from Boston IVF that day and the following week had my first appointment with my OB. They did a bunch of blood work and went over my whole history. A couple days later I was told I had hypothyroidism and had to start medication. Other than that, everything looked great and I had to go back for more tests and an ultrasound at 12 weeks. I was still taking the three little “fat” pills twice a day and jim was still injecting progesterone into my butt/hip area every morning. I counted down the days until that part would be over. I had gained a lot of weight through this whole process but now that I knew I had a baby on the way, every single part of it was worth it and I couldn’t be more excited. Over the next couple weeks the nausea got pretty bad. Week 10 was the worst. I also had terrible heartburn almost daily with everything I ate or drank. At 10 weeks, we took a family photo to announce the pregnancy. Of course it was car related and at that point it felt even more real! Around 12 weeks Jim and I went in to see the baby on ultrasound. It was the coolest thing and he/she was dancing and doing flips. The ultrasound tech and the doctor told us that everything looked great and the baby was very active and healthy. We decided to do blood work at that visit to make sure there was no genetic abnormalities and also to find out the gender of the baby. We were told it would probably take 10-14 days to get the results. The doctor explained to us at that visit that we would have to see maternal fetal medicine at 22 weeks because ivf babies are more at risk of heart problems. She did explain that she has not seen this in any of her patients so we stayed positive and patient until that appointment. A couple days later, the doctor emailed me and explained that because I have dystonia and a dbs I would need to get all my records sent to her from my neurologist and obgyn’s that I went to for my other pregnancies. MFM was a little concerned and asked to have a consult to make sure everything looked good. We remained hopeful and positive because I did already go through two pregnancies with dystonia. We started checking the patient portal daily, waiting for the results of the blood test. Every day it just said “labs processing”. Then, on a Sunday morning 5 days after the test, it said “analysis and interpretation.” We were excited it was moving along and figured we would see the results in another day or two. About an hour later I went to look something up and the website was still up on my phone. It had changed to “report released!” We were so excited and sat down together to review it. We opened it up and it said “your genetic tests are negative.” I already felt like crying when I saw that because all I hoped for was a healthy baby. Then jim pointed to the bottom of the screen where it said “do you want to know the sex of your baby?” We clicked “yes” and it said there was a video to watch, so we pressed play and held each others hands as the tears started. It was a video about raising your baby and at the end it said 3…2….1…. It’s a….. BOY!!! We both started crying, and hugging and sat there with the biggest smiles on our faces. Then we decided for sure that our baby boy would be named Max. And for the rest of the day we smiled and cried and talked about everything we wanted for our son. I dreamed of who he would be. Would he have dark hair or light? I imagined blue eyes and full of energy. I thought about what sports he would play, would he be shy? Outgoing? Serious or funny? So many thoughts went through my head every single day and I just couldn’t wait to meet him. The days went by fast but the weeks seemed so slow. How am I only 14 weeks along but I feel like I’ve already been waiting for Max for a lifetime. Another month went by and we were anxiously waiting for our next ultrasound! I was referred to maternal fetal medicine because of my dystonia and DBS. I had already had two pregnancies with dystonia, and one with the DBS so I wasn’t overly concerned. Around 18 weeks, Jim and I went in for our full anatomy scan and it was unbelievable. Max was very active so it was tough for them to get all the views they wanted but we saw the outline of his body and his little face and hands. Also, they confirmed it was a boy! When the ultrasound tech was done with all her pictures, the doctor came in and took some more to see if she could get a better view. At first they didn’t say what they were looking for but the doctor then starting talking about heart defects. I had a pit in my stomach as she told me they suspect a VSD. This scared me because Cody was born with a VSD and it caused eating difficulties, weight loss, and rapid breathing. His closed on its own by the time he turned one but it was still very scary. I knew we had to have a fetal echo anyway because we were told babies conceived through IVF are more at risk but I didn’t actually think it would happen. The worst part was the doctor repeatedly told me that VSD’s are linked to genetic disorders like 22Q and Down syndrome. I already went through genetic testing for Down syndrome and the likelihood of having another child with 22Q seemed too low to even be possible since I was negative for it years ago. I had a hard time sleeping that night and the next day met with a genetics counselor and had more blood work for genetic disorders, specifically 22Q. I kept telling myself everything was going to be ok but this was one of the scariest moments of my life. And the worst part was waiting… just like the waiting through IVF. I called to schedule the echocardiogram and they told me I had to wait 3 1/2 weeks! I know that doesn’t sound like a long time but right now it feels like forever. A week later we got the results from the lab work and it said low risk for all the genetic disorders they tested for. It will never be 100% accurate but the fact that it says low risk makes me feel so much better. I have multiple appointments coming up for a check in with the doctor, another ultrasound and an echo. Things are moving fast and this weekend I will already be halfway through my pregnancy! I had my 20 week follow up with my doctor which was only about 5 minutes long. Nothing significant happened and they sent me on my way with a follow up for 4 weeks later. The following week we had another ultrasound with maternal fetal medicine. It was the most amazing day. Max sat perfectly still for his pictures (unlike last time), we got a 3D picture of it and many regular ultrasound pictures showing his little face when he wasn’t covering it with his hands. The ultrasound tech said his heart looked perfect, we just had to wait to confirm this with the doctor. Immediately after she left the room, we started crying happy tears. Our little boy was going to be ok. Not just ok… he was going to be perfect. The ultrasound tech came back in to let us know that the doctor had an emergency and he would give me a call to go over everything later in the day. A couple hours later, she called me to let me know she confirmed with the doctor that the ultrasound looked great and there was no need to follow up with them for the rest of my pregnancy. More tears came! This was such amazing news and our anxiety about any health problems went down significantly. I waited impatiently another week before we could have the echocardiogram. This would be more confirmation that his heart was okay. Jim and I drove to CHAD (children’s hospital at Dartmouth) and had the echo, which just seemed like another ultrasound. Max was too active, as usual and wouldn’t cooperate or sit still long enough to see all views of his heart. The ultrasound tech got the doctor and he tried to get better pictures and confirmed that his heart was perfect, there was no VSD and there was less than a 1% chance of him being born with any heart defect. This was a huge relief and we both felt so much better about everything and couldn’t wait to meet our healthy boy. Over the next few weeks I still had nausea and gagged often. I had some pretty bad back/hip pain but thankfully Jim bought me a massage for my birthday that seemed to help a little. I was getting ready for Christmas and watching Hailey and Cody’s basketball games every week. It was a hectic time and for a brief period I got a little too overwhelmed with my baby shower and Christmas. I started getting alerts on my watch that my heart rate was high so I knew I had to try to relax and calm down. At 24 weeks I had my follow up obgyn appointment and was given a prescription for the nausea. I also was told my high heart rate was probably nothing but if it continues I would need to see cardiology for some testing. I got a little nervous but tried to relax and just tell myself everything would be ok. Christmas came and went so fast. The weather was warmer than usual so it didn’t really feel like Christmas. Hailey and Cody were with their dad on Christmas morning this year so we woke up and did gifts on the morning of Christmas Eve. We then went to my parent’s house to enjoy the night with family before the kids had to leave. On Christmas Day, Jim and I spent time with his family. Overall it was a great holiday season! Suddenly it was 2024 and it hit me that this is the year when Max is coming. I got overwhelmed again for a brief moment thinking about everything that has to happen before his arrival but my heart rate never got high again. I had my 28 week visit with the doctor and was told my blood pressure, weight gain and max’s heart rate were all great. They had no concerns and I seemed pretty healthy! The next day, we had a 3D ultrasound scheduled. We drove about an hour away to get some cool pictures of Max but he wouldn’t cooperate! Every picture he had his hand over his face or he was curled up in a ball. We figured out he’s either shy or stubborn.. or both! The lady doing the ultrasound was very nice and had us go get something sugary to eat and go back to see if he would move. He wouldn’t. So, we scheduled a rescan for two weeks later and hoped he would behave! Things started to get pretty hectic around 29 weeks. Jim got a promotion at work, which was huge! He started having meetings, going away for conferences and trainings and we started to prepare for life with him as a territory manager. I can’t even begin to explain how proud of him I was for getting this job, he worked so hard for it and deserved it so much! We knew after this news that 2024 was going to be our best year yet. We also started getting the nursery ready around this time, bringing some stuff over to my parents and getting ready to paint. This was a bit hectic because that same weekend we ended up getting our first snow storm of the season. Around this time, I also started having pretty severe shoulder pain. I realized it was the same arm I got my tdap vaccine in a week earlier. I called my obgyn doctor and went in for a visit but she didn’t think it was related to the shot. She advised me to see my pcp, who I met with the next day. She agreed with me that it probably was the vaccine since I had no accidents or an injury. She explained that it was probably bursitis or nerve damage from the vaccine and to ice it and do some exercises and if it was no better in a week she would refer me to orthopedics or neurology, depending on my symptoms. That same day I met with an anesthesiologist to go over the risks of having an epidural with my DBS. I was already hesitant about the epidural and not 100% sure if I wanted to get one. They basically told me they weren’t sure about any risks and to make sure I bring my remote to shut it off if needed and to also contact my neurologist to ask her opinion. I did have an epidural with Cody, which was after my dbs was placed and I had no complications so I thought I would be fine but I left there with some anxiety thinking about what could go wrong. The next couple weeks were pretty crazy. All four of us had the stomach bug and the kids had a couple snow days so they were home a lot. The weekend after that Jim and I decided to paint the nursery. Everything was going great and we had one wall left to paint when I lost my balance and fell on the vacuum cleaner. My leg was cut and bruised, I hit the table and sent the paint flying. The carpet was ruined, the lamp was broken and I was extremely worried about the baby. We decided to stop for the night and I called my doctor to see if they thought I should be seen. He said the baby was likely fine and to monitor myself for a couple hours to make sure I had no bleeding or cramping and to make sure I could feel Max move. I ended up being ok but it definitely was scary! Over the next couple weeks my belly grew, Max started moving more and more and I was getting ready to meet my little boy! At the end of January, my family threw a baby shower for me that was so nice. It was at my sister’s house and we got many of the big items we had on our registry. We ended up getting a snow storm that day so some people couldn’t make it and some had to leave early. It was still a lot of fun and we were so appreciative of our families putting in the effort to plan it and for all the gifts we received! Hailey was a huge help and always made sure everything went perfectly. The weeks following the shower were busy putting stuff together and finishing Max’s room. I started to get very uncomfortable and had a lot of back pain and leg cramps. I was waking up 2-3 times a night in pain or to use the bathroom so I was pretty exhausted most days. By 33 weeks I was ready to have Max but I knew I had to stick it out for 6 more weeks! Every minute, every pain, every struggle was worth it to meet this little guy and I would do anything I could to get through this pregnancy until it was that time! That same week I started having dystonia symptoms on my right side. I grabbed my DBS programmer and tried to change my settings but I got an alert that the battery was dead. I started to panic. I couldn’t have this surgery until after Max was born so I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. Jim was leaving in a week to go to Buffalo,NY for training for his new job and I was just a mess with anxiety about everything! I finally made a plan to go to New York when jim got back to get Botox in both hands and meet with the surgeon to discuss the plan for a new battery. I felt good about this plan and the Botox would help buy me some time so I could hold Max when he was born! The Thursday before Jim was about to leave for Buffalo, we spent the day together and after lunch I started having some pain on my right side. I didn’t really think much of it and just tried to relax a little to see if it would go away. Hailey and Cody got off the bus and I was trying to talk to them and plan our night to go to Hailey’s basketball awards ceremony when the pain started to get worse and worse. Jim had gone in to the office to do a zoom call for work and I was trying to figure out what the pain could be and what I was going to do about it. I don’t often panic about pain but this one scared me. Because it was a Thursday I knew the kids were with me all night and their dad would be on call but I didn’t know what else to do so I asked him if he could take them for the night. He said he would but I had to drive them to him so I told jim that I was driving the kids over and would be back soon to go to the hospital. I was about 5 minutes from Ryan’s house when I started throwing up in my car. Hailey was scared and telling me to pull over but I couldn’t because of where I was. Cody was in the back seat trying to find me a bag. Eventually, I found a side road to pull down, threw up and tried to clean myself up as best as I could. Hailey had called jim and he immediately got in his car to come help us. I ended up telling him not to bother because by this point I was back in the drivers seat and dropping the kids off. So he headed home, I called the doctor and met Jim about 10 minutes later. I had asked the doctor on the phone if I should go to the ER or labor and delivery and she said L&D, so I changed, took a shower and off we went as fast as we could to try to find me some relief. We got to the hospital fairly quickly and they took me into a room right away. I put a Johnny on and they hooked me up to the monitors. Of course, because it was the evening, max was a wild man and moving so much they couldn’t get him to stay on the monitor. I wasn’t having any contractions so they confirmed I wasn’t in active labor but no one knew what the pain was. I was so uncomfortable I just kept tossing and turning and trying to find a position I could lay in but everything hurt. They took my blood pressure several times and it was slightly elevated but nothing crazy. They did an ultrasound of the baby and said he looked great but they couldn’t do one of my gallbladder until I hadn’t had food in 8 hours. So finally around 10 they did another ultrasound of my gallbladder and said it looked ok. No one really knew what was going on and everyone expected I would go home that night, but I was still having excruciating pain. They were waiting on one more test before making a plan and that was to test my urine. Within an hour it came back that there was protein in my urine and suddenly everything changed. The doctor came back in and said with elevated blood pressures, severe pain and protein in my urine, I was diagnosed with preeclampsia. This diagnosis always scared me but I never thought I would get it. It’s just one of those things you read about but think, oh that will never happen to me. But it did. It was happening… to me. And I was scared to death. The doctor sat down to go over everything that would happen in the next couple days. She explained that with preeclampsia we would likely be delivering within the week. The plan was to monitor me for 48 hours in the hospital and give Max three steroid shots to help his lungs develop. Jim was having some anxiety because he was still supposed to go to NY and I was getting texts that no one could get Cody on the bus the next day. I don’t know why but I asked the doctor if I could just go home for the night and come back the next day but obviously the answer was no way. We were just going to have to make the best of it. Jim went home to get some stuff to have for the next couple days and I called my mom and dad at 1130 at night to explain what was going on. They offered to get Cody on the bus for me and told me they would help as much as possible but my mom was scheduled for surgery the next day! I felt so thankful for my parents at that moment, even on a surgery day they were at my house at 7am to help. The saying “it takes a village” was about to come out because life was about to get a lot more crazy. The doctor started me on magnesium sulfate to prevent seizures and I had a rough night after that. I couldn’t get comfortable because of the pain and I was up all night throwing up. I had to stay on the monitor all night so every time I moved to get comfortable the nurses would have to come in and reposition it. Thank god I had Jim with me all night because that was one of the hardest nights I had ever had. I felt so bad for Jim because his night was pretty rough too and the sleeping situation for him was horrible. But he still stuck by me through it all even when he was uncomfortable. The next morning, someone from Maternal Fetal Medicine came in and woke me up. She seemed like she was in a hurry and I wasn’t sure if that was because of her schedule or because of my health. She explained that she was bringing me to get an ultrasound to measure the baby and make sure he looked healthy. Jim was half asleep and asked if he should come and I immediately said yes! We were unaware of what was going to happen next but I needed him with me. They pushed me in a wheelchair across the hall and helped me get into a bed to start the ultrasound. Suddenly Max’s little profile was up on the screen and although still in pain, I couldn’t help but smile as I stared as his little button nose and I just couldn’t wait to meet him. They did all their measurements and told us that he weighed a little over 6lbs. For not even being 35 weeks, this seemed like a really good size. They said he was in the 78th percentile and looked very healthy… but he was breech. I suspected this for a while because every appointment I went to they couldn’t tell what position he was in but everyone told me not to be concerned until 36 weeks. They had me sit up in the ultrasound room and wait for the doctor to come in to go over everything. She came walking in and now thinking back on it this whole part seems like a dream. I can picture exactly what the doctor looked like and what she was wearing but it doesn’t seem real. She acted so calm as she looked at both Jim and I and said “with all your symptoms, I think it’s time to deliver.” I didn’t really know what she meant as far as a timeline but I looked at her confused and just said “today??” And she said yes, I will look over your ultrasound and we will probably induce you soon. I told her the baby was breech and she said “then we will do a c section … probably before noon”. Then she left the room. Jim And I burst into tears and just hugged each other, knowing that was going to be the day we would meet our son but also because of fear. What was happening with my body? Would I be ok? Would Max be ok? He was so early and I was so scared. They pushed me back into my room and said the doctor would be in to discuss the c section and everything I needed to know. I tossed and turned for what seemed like hours before the doctor finally came in, explained the surgery and said see you in the OR soon! It happened fast but yet it seemed so slow at the same time. I got back into the wheelchair and prepared myself quickly to go have a baby. They asked Jim to wait in the room until I got the epidural and I was all prepped and then they would be back to get him. I put on my surgical cap, said a quick goodbye to Jim and was wheeled into the OR. I sat on the side of the bed while they gave me the epidural and the nurse stood in front of me to help hold me up and also keep me from freaking out. I was more nervous about a needle going into my back than anything else at that point. Suddenly, before I even had time to think about it my legs started to get hot. Then I couldn’t feel them. I never actually felt anything in my back, it was so weird. The nurse and all the doctors surrounding me lifted my legs up onto the table and then secured my arms out to each side. I was laying there completely with it, unlike any surgery I had ever had but I couldn’t feel anything below my waist, and the pain in my side had completely gone away so it was actually a relief. But then I started to get nauseous and I was a little nervous since I was laying flat on my back. The nurses started waving alcohol wipes under my nose, hoping that the smell from them would make me feel less nauseous. But the smell actually made me throw up. The nurse held a blue bag next to my mouth to throw up into but it was nearly impossible. Suddenly the doctor standing behind me started suctioning my mouth out and within a minute or two I felt completely fine. I laid there waiting for Jim to come in as I thought about what was happening. I was seconds away from meeting my boy and I wondered how little he would be, how much hair and what color and mostly I just hoped and prayed he would be healthy. The time seemed like it was going by so slow. Jim finally came in and came up and sat next to my head while the doctors made a small incision and started the process to take Max out. I could feel them pulling and could tell my body was rocking back and forth but I felt no pain. It was probably only a couple minutes but it seemed like a lifetime as I waited impatiently to hear him cry. Then I heard it. He was crying and I felt so relieved. The tears ran down my cheeks as I waited to see his beautiful face. I could see Jim staring at him and although he had a mask on I could see in his eyes how big his smile was. That was the happiest moment we’ve ever experienced together and both of us were so in love with him already. The doctor tried to show me Max but because of all the drapes hanging, I didn’t get to see him. I sat there and cried and told Jim to go look at him. There was a team of doctors and nurses from the nicu in there looking him over and they said he would need to go there for some time but he was breathing on his own and everyone said he was very blonde and cute. The worst feeling was laying there on the bed, unable to move, knowing my baby was out and I couldn’t hold him or see him. Finally, the doctor wrapped him up and brought him over to my chest. He had a hat on so I didn’t get to see his blonde hair but the first thing I noticed were his perfect little lips. They held him on me for a couple minutes while I kissed his cheeks, told him I loved him and cried tears of joy knowing he was ok. They had to take him quickly up to the nicu to check him out so while they finished stitching me back up, I sent Jim with Max so he could make sure our little guy was ok. Then I sat in my room and waited for Jim to return to tell me how well he was doing. I had to continue taking the magnesium sulfate for 24 hours and it took me a little bit to get up and walk so the first night after delivery was a bit tough. The nurses pushed me up to the nicu to see Max later that night but I had to go in the bed because I was unable to walk yet. The whole night is a blur but I do remember not being able to see him very good because the room was so small and the bed was so big. I did get some reassurance that he was doing ok though and that helped me. I slept pretty good that night and the next day was able to get up a couple times. I also got to go see Max a couple times in a wheelchair. His blonde hair was the cutest thing I had ever seen and he made the cutest faces. Every time Jim talked to him he would immediately open his eyes and look right at him. I could tell he recognized his voice and he seemed so comfortable and reactive to him right from the beginning. It was my favorite thing to watch. Having a baby was something Jim wanted for a long time and to see him in that moment just brought tears to my eyes. I had never seen him so happy in the whole time I’ve known him. I knew right away he was going to be an amazing dad to Max, and that Max would always look up to him. Saturday was a bit hectic. We had Jim’s mom and sister visit and later in the day Hailey and Cody. It was so nice to see everyone but Max wasn’t quite ready for visitors. They only allow the mom & dad in the nicu so everyone just came to see Jim & I. Saturday afternoon I was finally off the magnesium and immediately started feeling more like myself. I no longer needed my blood pressure checked every hour so I had a little more freedom and got a little more rest. On Sunday the pain came back in my side and I had a lot of back pain. They ended up giving me some pain medicine that seemed to help and on Monday I was discharged. Monday was the hardest day for me. We did stay with Max until later in the day but then we had to go home without him. We made a plan for the week and every day I was at the hospital for the whole time the kids were in school. On the nights they were with us, I went during the day and jim went to be with him at night. It worked out pretty good but it was still upsetting that I couldn’t bring him home and just be with him all the time. Hailey and Cody were also so excited to meet him they were going crazy! What I have learned through this whole journey is that you need to have a loving supportive spouse to help you through it, someone who wants it as much as you do, someone who fights like you fight to make it happen and would do anything and everything to make those dreams come true. I learned that you cannot give up and if one way doesn’t work… you find another way. I never thought I would go through IVF to have a baby, I never thought I would have chemical or ectopic pregnancies. I never thought I would have preeclampsia and deliver at 34.5 weeks. I never thought I would have a c section. I never thought I would experience the kind of emotions that I did throughout this whole thing but in the end, the happiness this little boy has brought me was so worth the wait. He was worth every test, every procedure, every medication, every hard day. He was worth the weight gain, the pain, the emotional days and nights that I just sat up wishing for him to be here. He was worth every single minute that I put into bringing him into this world, every tear I cried when I didn’t think it would happen, and the last scary week of my pregnancy when I didn’t know what would happen. We hoped for him for 5 years and to sit here now and look at his smiling little face just doesn’t seem real, he has changed our lives and we are so incredibly thankful and happy to be welcoming him into our family. The next few days were some of the most emotional days I’ve ever experienced. We spent the weekend getting our house ready to bring Max home, thankfully with the help from family. I had a rough weekend because I didn’t feel like I was with Max enough and I tried to make time for everyone but it was nearly impossible. By Sunday night I pretty much just cried about everything. I know I was driving everyone crazy because unless you’ve had a baby, no one really understands the emotions and hormones that come with it. Sometimes it’s just too much to handle. I enjoy making everyone happy and I wasn’t feeling like I could do that because I was focused on Max and it broke my heart that I couldn’t be with all three of my kids at the same time. Monday morning I went to the hospital with everything I needed to bring Max home. The night before we were told he was ready to go so we were prepared. When I walked into his room the nurse practitioner was there and said his oxygen level had been drifting and we may not be going home. She said it had been going down to the high 80’s and it was there for 10% of the time in the last 12 hours. We figured out this was from reflux and I was told to hold him upright for 20 minutes after a feed to prevent this from happening and he seemed to do ok the rest of the day so they discharged him. By noon we were ready to go! He ate, we got our discharge papers and waited for Jim to come pick us up! I couldn’t wait to bring him home and to introduce him to everyone in the family… especially Hailey and Cody. We brought him home and Hailey and Cody got to meet him that afternoon. It was so nice to have everyone home together. We settled in for the night and got ready for a week of meeting everyone in the family! I had a dream for a long time to have another baby, it took longer than I wanted it to and there were so many hard days but now that I can look in the eyes of my baby Maxwell, watch Hailey and Cody smile when they see him and see Jim with his little boy, I can honestly say I couldn’t be happier or proud of my little family. Max was certainly worth the wait and I couldn’t imagine my life without him.