Swimming Against The Current

This is a hard topic for me to write about, and something I don't share with many people but I feel like explaining how my mind works might help others like me not feel alone. I talk a lot about my dystonia because most of my symptoms are visible and I get extremely embarassed about the way I look or walk. I try to hide my hand, which I'm usually successful at but hiding my foot isn't as easy. I walk off balance most of the time because my foot is almost turned completely sideways. I don't let it affect my speed or stop me from doing things which I guess is good but because of that it causes other issues with my knee, hip and back. Anyway, I share that stuff so people know why I look the way I do and also to spread awareness. What I don't share is the anxiety and worry I deal with every single day. I worry about little things like what to feed my family for dinner, how do I find time to clean my house, etc. I worry A LOT about the kind of mother I am and how I ne...

For the last 17 years my hand has slowly been getting destroyed. Its been closed, open, dislocated fingers, and eventually everything about it was deformed. My first hand treatment was casting my fingers open but with dystonia this usually doesnt work. It was one of the worst pains I ever experienced and I had to go back and have the cast cut off that night. I had my first hand surgery in 2019 to "fix" some of the damage that was done from my dystonia. Little did I know that would turn into many more surgeries trying to relieve my discomfort and my anxiety of having a deformed hand. I wanted it to look normal so bad. I was so embarrased by how my fingers looked that I always had my hand in a sweatshirt pocket so I could hide it from the world. I never mind sharing my story to spread awareness but how embarrasing is it to drop groceries everytime you try to shop, or struggle to pick your toddler up. Over the last couple years I started seeing a new hand doctor that my mother...

Every day feels like a blur. I've been dizzy and lightheaded almost every day since the end of September. When I try to read anything, even just a book to Max, I have to open and close my eyes several times until I can see because when I first look at the page all the words combine into a cloud of chaotic letters that dont make sense. Every time I eat my stomach hurts so I try not to eat but then I feel even more lightheaded and nauseous. Its a cycle I hate to be a part of several times a day. My dystonia has been worse because I didnt get my injections yet but then the right side of my body started acting up and Ive been having trouble swallowing. My neurolist suggested I shut my DBS off until my appointment next week but within 24 hours my right foot was curled in. I decided to turn it back on but as soon as I did I lost control of my right arm and the right side of my face. Jim helped me switch some settings on it but when adjusting the left side of my body my right side went c...

Some days its hard to find the words to explain what dystonia feels like. It's invisible to most people, yet it shapes every hour of my day quietly, persistently and often painfully. I don't share this because I want sympathy, I share it because awareness matters and too many people still don't know what dystonia is, let alone how much it can affect someones life. Dystonia affects my hands, feet, back and neck. My hands ache as though they've been gripping something for hours, even when they're resting. My neck strains as if theres a weight hanging from it and no amount of stretching helps. My feet cramp and curl making sonething as simple as standing still feel like a test of endurance. I've grown stronger in ways I never expected. Ive learned patience, determination and resilience. Ive learned to celebrate small victories, like waking up with a little less stiffness or being abke to open a jar of spaghetti sauce. Im sharing this because I want people to under...

Its been almost a month since my surgery. That morning started with a splitting headache before I even got to the hospital. I think part of it was because the surgery was late in the day and I couldn't eat the whole day before or that morning. We brought Max to my parents house and headed to Boston. My surgery was scheduled for 3:30 and we got there a little after one. I checked in, got lab work and before I knew it I was changing into my gown and fancy slipper socks. I asked for some IV tylenol which helped the headache a bit then the surgeon came in and they told me to shut my DBS off even after we told them it had a surgery mode. So, I shut it off then off I went into the OR. I remember moving onto the operating table and what seemed like seconds later they were pulling a breathing tube out of my throat. They woke me up too soon so I felt it being pulled out. yikes. The next thing I remember is being in recovery and telling the nurse my nose hurt. She was working on getting me ...

A few months ago I was feeling pretty lousy and every day I was noticing new symptoms. I was so exhausted I could barely drive and staying up to watch a show or play a game with Jim was impossible. My eyes started giving me problems and I was getting dizzy quite frequently. When I tried to read, all the words in a paragraph bunched up into one big blur. I was overweight but couldn't find the motivation to even walk to my mailbox to try to lose some weight. It was the worst I ever felt and it was causing me to be miserable and not be the mother and wife I needed or wanted to be. I had an appointment scheduled for a physical so I decided to talk to my doctor. She told me that fatigue can be caused from so many things and she would do some blood work but she suspected it was just from having a baby and getting muscle spasms from my dystonia. I knew it was more than that but figured I would just wait and see what the blood work showed. Not long after my appointment I started gettin...

It's 430 in the morning and i wake up to Max's whimper over the baby monitor. I get up to go get him and the first thing I notice is that I cant open the door. My left hand is so weak I cant turn the door knob. I try with my right hand even though I have no feeling in it. As the door opens my forearm goes into spasm and causes excrutiating pain. i've had quite a few problems with my arms and hands over the years, but this is the worst it's been. The Botox wasn't working so we tried a new medication called xeomin and my left hand seems to be opening a bit, but it's completely useless because it's so weak. I can't do anything with it. My right arm has been affected by the dystonia, but also I have carpal tunnel so the two of those together also makes doing anything very difficult. Hopefully a DBS adjustment will help soon. After Max was born, I was diagnosed with a pituitary macro prolactinoma. I didn't know what it was at first, but then found ou...

I wake up in the morning, get my kids ready for school, make my husband and I a cup of coffee and take three small pills. When you look at them you’d never imagine what they could do to your body but right from the beginning I was willing to do it. No matter what it took, I would do it. Little did I know, these pills would just be another part of the sadness. I continue on my day, limiting caffeine, watching what I eat and gaining a pound a minute. Before bed, Jim injects more medication into my buttocks. These medications are supposed to be getting my body ready to have a baby but for some reason this small thing that I want so badly is so hard to achieve. Since the day I met Jim, we’ve wanted a baby. We’ve picked out names, first outfits, and ways we want to tell our parents the news. It’s been 4 years since we agreed we wanted to start trying and we still don’t have it. Just before Covid hit, we decided to see a fertility specialist to help us achieve pregnancy. We tracked my cyc...

  For some reason I don’t remember a lot about my childhood. But, I remember being sick a lot. I remember when my friends were outside playing, I was sometimes laying on the couch with a nauseating headache and a tickle in my throat. I remember even when I felt ok I still had a cough and when my mom would bring me out in public everyone would stare at me and be afraid they would get it. Nothing I had was ever contagious though. I was tested for whooping cough more than once and it was never positive but I still had to be out of school for days to wait for the results. I remember when I was in second grade I had to have an MRI of my brain because my headaches were so bad. I used to tell my mom it felt like there were marbles rolling around in there or someone inside my head with a hammer. My mom and dad tried everything to help me, bringing me to many doctors and even health food stores to find out I had a sensitivity to dairy.    When I was 12 I started having different s...

  February is rare disease month and although dystonia and 22Q are not diseases they are both rare “disorders”. So I figured now would be a good time to update you all on me & Cody (and the rest of my family)! This morning, as I made my way to target, I could feel my head pulling to the left. This hasn’t happened for a long time but as the pain started I knew exactly what was happening. By the time I got to target, my neck was in a complete spasm and I was unable to straighten my head. I sat in the parking lot for about 20 minutes as I waited for it to pass. It brought me back to before I had kids when the same thing happened in a Marshall’s parking lot and I had to call my mom to come help me.  The last year has been pretty tough with my dystonia. My DBS doesn’t really work anymore so I take frequent trips to Albany to get Botox in my hand, foot and neck. It hasn’t been helping with my foot but it definitely relaxes my hand. Unfortunately it also makes my arm extremely we...

  Dystonia awareness month My journey likely started long before 1998 but that year was when I dislocated my shoulder for the first time. After many doctors, misdiagnoses and people telling me I was making it up I was sent to Children’s hospital in Boston and in 2000 had my first shoulder surgery for “instability”. By 2008 I had had 6 shoulder surgeries. That year, after the last surgery I lost use of my left hand. Many more doctors and tests later I was finally diagnosed with dystonia in 2009. After many trials of Botox, medications, hand splints and therapy we started to discuss the possibility of deep brain stimulation. By this point it had traveled to my feet and my neck and I would sometimes need my mom to massage a cramp out of my neck in a parking lot so that I could drive home.  In 2011, I had my first DBS placed. My hand opened for the first time in 3.5 years in the OR and we all had hope that it was successful.    It worked great at first but 2 months after...