Swimming Against The Current

So my insurance company denied my surgery... TWICE.  Its now up to me to fight.  They told my surgeon that it is no longer her business and I need to appeal it myself.  I sent letters and wrote urgent all over it.  The person I spoke to told me if I wrote urgent they would give me an answer in 48 hours.  I spoke to them on Friday and they said they'd have an answer this week.  I spoke to them again this morning and they said they will have an answer in 30 days.  I am trying so hard to be positive but things arent looking too promising.  My next step is to turn to my secondary insurance.  The doctor's office was supposed to contact them today, so we'll see.  If both of them deny it, I will have to find a new surgeon in MA which I really don't want to do.  I will have to start out from the beginning and have all the tests re-done and probably wont end up having it for months.  It scares me to know how long it could take because of the amount of pain i am in.  I cant thank

So on Tuesday I got the e-mail that said my surgery will not be November 17th.  Since then I have been getting e-mails from the administrative assistant saying it still could be, and I started to have hope again.  The other date they gave me was December 8th.  This morning I got an e-mail from the doctor herself saying it will be December 22nd or the 30th.  I chose the 30th because of Christmas.  So it looks like I will be waiting another month and a half.  The stress of all of this is making everything worse.  I get neck spasms several times a day.  Every time this happens its very hard to breath, talk and eat.  Its so scary!!

I remember the frame being drilled into my head. I was awake and had the worst headache ever.  when it was over, i had no hair.  I cried because I thought people wouldn't like me.  I cried because of the scars, because of the reactions I would get from other people, and I cried happy tears because I was getting better.  It was quite a rough time in my life to go through brain surgery but I did it to get my hand back, I did it for my daughter and I did it for myself.  A month went by and my hand was working.  I cant even begin to explain how happy I was.  Until the infection.  May 21, 2011 was a very depressing day for me.  Once again, brain surgery only this time I would come out worse... with no hand again.  What a road ive been down since then.  Today was a bad day.  I have lost two fingers on my right hand and physical therapy wasnt much help.  My neck is twitching bad and sometimes i have a hard time breathing.  I just want to cry, to curl up in a ball and never leave my bed a