Swimming Against The Current

It's so hard to stay positive when everyone around you is negative. Everyone is sick, everyone is dying. Every time I turn on the news there are more shootings, stabbings and murders. What has this world come to? I don't know how much longer I can take it. The pain is there worse than ever, constantly. Most people get annoyed with me when I talk about it so thats why I write, no one has to read it. When I don't talk about whats happening I end up in a bad mood all the time and just sit there and think to myself how much my body is aching and crippling. Sometimes I just want to let it out, to scream and cry and tell someone that I'm losing use of my entire body. I haven't been able to straighten my fingers for two and a half years and my wrist for a year and a half. I've completely lost my left hand and it kills me inside every time I think about it. I am sick and tired of wearing a brace on my hand, its uncomfortable, it looks ridiculous and its imposs

There is nothing in the world I've ever wanted more than being a mother. The most important people in my life have always been my family. My mother is the greatest woman I've ever known and I wanted nothing but to be just like her when I grew up. She has guided me through life, making me smile and wiping my tears when I needed her to. She has been there for me in more ways than I could ever express. Every time I'm having a bad day, my mom always makes it better. She is an amazing sister, aunt, grandmother(mooma), daughter, friend, but most of all she is an amazing mother. Another very important person in my life is my father. Constantly having a smile on his face, he makes everything and everyone happy. He's been there for me in so many ways and I cant thank him enough for all his love and support. I always hoped to someday have a relationship like my parents, who have been married over 30 years. All of my hopes and dreams came true the day my daughter was born

December 8, 2004 came sooner than I hoped. I had gone to my pre-op appointment and was in good health overall to do this surgery. I was at Children's Hospital in Boston and ready as I was ever going to be. I was diagnosed with subacromial impingement with anterior instability and was going to have an open subacromial decompression with closure of the rotatorinterval. I was petrified to go through with this because of how badly my first surgery went but I knew I could get through it with the help of my family. They brought me back to the OR, did the surgery and I woke up with a sling and ice pack, extremely sore, nauseous and exhausted. After a few hours, I didn't feel as bad. My sling was big but nothing like the gunslinger I wore last time and they gave me anti-nausea medicine so I wasn't as sick. The doctor let me go home that night and told me to follow up in two weeks. I was able to start physical therapy after the two weeks and the whole experience wasn't n

I got a letter in the mail yesterday saying my insurance has ended. I do not qualify anymore. Even though no one wanted to take my insurance anyways its still annoying that I don't qualify anymore. I don't know what I am going to do. I guess any kind of medication and/or botox is out of the question now. Hopefully these spasms slow down a bit. 9 more months in Florida then maybe I can get insurance in MA and go back to my neurologist there. I'll just keep my head up and hope it doesn't get any worse before that!

Monday was a bad day. I counted 8 spasms in my foot and my neck also got stuck. I felt scared to move, petrified to pick up Hailey and depressed at how fast its progressing. Tuesday was better. I went for a long walk and did wii active, I felt good and had a lot of energy. Yesterday was bad again. I lost count on the spasms but they were there. I'm having a hard time thinking positive at this point. I'm still in the process of finding doctors here that are willing to help, I dont know why everything has to be so difficult and take so long. As I sit here and think about this dystonia, I feel like it has taken over my life but then I think about people who have it much worse and think that this isn't bad at all. I recently heard about my old principal's 6 year old daughter who is dying of cancer. How could I complain about anything when they are going through that? I see her smiling face on her facebook page and it makes me want to be a better person, she has b

I started my senior year of high school happy as could be cheering once again for the varsity squad. My sophomore and junior year went great and I was expecting the same for my senior year. I was tumbling, stunting, and everything else I never thought I would be doing when I first injured my shoulder. Both my shoulders bothered me a little but nothing worth quitting over. I made it through the season and was getting ready for our last game. It was Thanksgiving and we were going to Nashoba high school. I was so excited because I was almost able to do a roundoff handspring tuck by myself and thought I would try it out at that game. I asked a couple girls to stand near me incase I needed someone to spot me. One...Two...Three.. and off I went, running down the track ready to do this. On my way, I tripped over my foot and still tried to do it. There was no way for anyone to spot me and down I went. I fell on my right shoulder and could not move. Just when I thought things were gr

My daughter is what keeps me going. Every morning when I wake up in pain, I look into Hailey's eyes and realize how lucky I am to be her mother. She is absolutely perfect in every way and I can't imagine how I ever lived without her. She's growing quickly, already 3 weeks old and becoming more and more alert. She loves to be rocked, loves her hair bows and loves to look into mommy and daddys eyes. I am so excited about our life together and watching her grow. My dystonia is getting worse and worse. I am really getting frustrated with it and with the health care here in Florida. My right hand goes numb when I carry something on that shoulder, I get spasms in both my feet and my neck has been getting stuck. The skin on my left hand is just falling off and is now bleeding. Taking care of Hailey is so difficult because I never know when a spasm is going to happen and it scares me to death. I have called what seems like every neurologist in the state of Florida and no one accept

September 29, 2010 was the happiest day of my life. I went to the hospital at about 6am with an appointment to be induced. The labor and delivery floor was packed, I guess it was a popular day to have babies. I had to sit in the waiting room for about a half hour and anxiously wait for a room to be available. Once I was in a room they hooked me up to the monitors, gave me an IV, did some blood work and told me I was 4 1/2 cm dilated. I was having contractions but not strong enough so they started pitocin to get the labor going. By about noon time I was having pretty strong contractions that were getting more and more painful. My plan was to not get an epidural but by 7cm, I changed my mind. After I got it I was really happy I did and things seemed to go much quicker from then on. Around 5:00 I was 10cm and ready to go. I started pushing and at 6:34 pm I heard the most wonderful sound I have ever heard, my little girl cry for the first time. They put her on my chest and the s

So yesterday I had a little scare. I woke up and felt ok and got ready for work. After I ate breakfast I felt really sick and ended up throwing up. I didn't think that much of it, and headed to work as I normally would. I didn't feel like eating anything for the rest of the day and around 10am I started getting a lot of cramping and contractions. I started to get a little nervous and talked to my boss (who just recently had a baby) about my symptoms. She told me to call my doctor right away. I tried and tried to get through to my doctor but it took nearly an hour for them to answer. They weren't that concerned and told me to just go to my appointment early (I had an appt at 3:30). It was raining out and by this time the contractions were getting closer together and everyone at work didn't want me driving 45 minutes to Fort Myers to see my doctor when I could go to a hospital 10 minutes away. My boss then drove me to the hospital nearby for an evaluation. I was

After a few days of resting at home after my surgery, I had to go back to school. As it was, I was a freshman... you know, one of those kids that seniors found it amusing to make fun of. I walked into school petrified of what might happen when I walked down the hall with that brace on. I had nightmares of dropping all my books and no one helping me pick them up. Well, I didn't drop all my books but it was torture. I talked to my teachers ahead of time so it was okay to leave class early so I wouldn't have to be in the hall the same time as everyone else. The worst part was that my friends were all embarrassed of me. No one wanted to walk with me or talk to me. I lost all my friends that year, I obviously wasn't going to be cheering, and my boyfriend at the time broke up with me because I couldn't shave my armpits. I didn't think my life could get much worse. I held my head high and tried to think positive. I went to physical therapy and I got through that

My baby shower was amazing. Thank you so much to everyone who helped planned it, everyone was there and for all the great gifts. Ryan and I really appreciate all of it. Hailey will now be the best dressed baby girl out there! =) Our visit to MA was so nice. I loved seeing everyone and I loved the weather!! It was way too short of a visit but it was still nice. In about 7 weeks my parents will be here and hopefully Hailey will come shortly after that. The time is flying by!! I can't wait to meet my baby girl but I'm going to miss her movements inside of me! I've never felt anything like it and I never knew how much I could love someone before meeting them. It's such an amazing feeling. My dystonia is still about the same. I did get a muscle spasm in my neck that was very scary and my back is still killing me. Work is getting harder every day and I don't know how much longer I can do it. Hopefully I can make it through August. Well, time to rest now!!

Well, it's been a while. My internet was down for a few weeks so I wasn't able to update anything!! Now its up and working again. I am almost 31 weeks now and baby Hailey weighs a little over 3 lbs! Shes getting big... and so am I!! I am feeling pretty good, besides the normal aches and pains. Ryan and I are flying home to MA on Thursday and I am getting very excited!! It will be a very short visit but I am looking forward to seeing my family! My baby shower is on Saturday, so that should be fun too!! Hopefully I will have time to update again shortly! Bye for now!

Today I had a doctor appointment in Tampa with a new neurologist. Since no one close by will take my insurance, I had to drive 2 1/2 hours to see a doctor for five minutes. First of all, I walked in and heard the doctor complaining to the receptionist about another patient. I thought it was very unprofessional and I hope she didn't do that after I left. She finally called me into the room, looked at me and said "what do you want me to do?" I thought she was the doctor, not me, but I told her my obgyn wanted me to be seen to make sure I was doing okay with the dystonia during my pregnancy. "I can't do anything for you while your pregnant," was her response. I knew right then and there that this visit was a waste of my time. She didn't examine me at all. The good thing though, is that I will be able to go see her after the baby is born to get botox injections. She also sent me to an orthotics place to get a new brace. The guy there was very nice

I woke up from surgery crying. All I wanted was my mommy. I can't remember ever being in so much pain before. I reached my hand under the blanket and felt my arm to see if they needed to put the brace on me. It was there. This giant "gunslinger" wrapped around my arm that I was going to have to wear for a while. It was not the most comfortable thing. My parents and my sisters came in the room to see me and I just burst into tears. I didn't want surgery anymore, but it was too late. Kristy's face was white as a ghost and I thought she was going to faint. I remember seing tears in my mom's eyes as she held my hand and told me I was going to be better soon. It was hard to believe but I knew she was right. The surgeon came in shortly after and explained to us that there was more damage than he had expected and that's why I had to wear the gunslinger and not a regular sling. He did a procedure called the bankart. He had to make an incision under my

My belly is getting big. I'm getting a bit uncomfortable but more and more excited every day to meet my little princess. We have started decorating Hailey's room and have received a few gifts from family and friends, thank you all so much, Ryan and I really appreciate it. Work is getting harder and harder. Last week we had a few babies with roseola, so I had to go to the doctor to make sure I was going to be okay. The kids are always sick so its a little scary to be holding them all the time. I'm supposed to be working in the office soon, hopefully real soon! I have only 41 days of work left... I can do it!! After that I am taking a few weeks before my due date to relax and spend time with my mom and dad. I can't wait until they come visit!!! I just hope they are still here when little miss Hailey arrives. Next week Kristy, Gary, Zach and Libby are coming! I cannot wait to see them!!!! Ryan and I are taking a trip to Orlando for the weekend to visit with them, so

October came sooner than I had expected. I was having my surgery at Children's Hospital in Boston and there were so many sick children around me. I felt so sorry for all of them and all their families. When I saw the little girls with no hair and the little boys so weak they couldn't walk, I realized my situation wasn't that bad. I thought in my head, I can do this if these kids can. I had to go a few weeks before my surgery to have my pre-op. They did blood work and made sure I was healthy enough to go through with the surgery. Everything seemed to be okay except that I had had my period for several weeks straight. I also had to go a few weeks before to get fitted for a brace that I "might" have to wear, depending on what the doctor found after he cut me open. The day of surgery came. I couldn't eat after midnight the night before so I was so hungry that morning! They brought me right in when I got there to get me all settled. They told me to change,

After visiting Mickey, the physical therapist in Boston twice, I realized I could continue the exercises at home or with someone a lot closer. My doctor was ok with that and sent me to someone who used to work with him. She was very nice and helped me a lot. During all of these visits, I continued to cheer. I was hoping the physical therapy would take away a lot of the pain and make me stronger so I could be a cheerleader in high school. I had a few more visits with my doctor before school started and he didn't see that much improvement. I didn't have good range of motion, my shoulder "popped" all the time and I was in pain 24/7. The physical therapy wasn't working and he didn't want me to cheer anymore. The next step was surgery. We scheduled the operating room for my first surgery in October 2000. I was never so scared in my life.

I'm getting very scared my dystonia is moving to my right side. I have had spasms in my right foot a few times, but now my right hand is very sore. Although I haven't had any spasms in my hand, it is very weak and my wrist and fingers hurt a lot. I'm not sure if this is from using it more because of my left hand or what but I hope it goes away soon!! Other than this, things seem to be going well. I'm getting a big belly and going tomorrow for a 3-D ultrasound! I can't wait. Today I'm bringing Ryan to a baseball game for Father's Day! He's going to be a great Daddy!!

The most amazing thing happened. Last night I was staring at my belly and could see miss Hailey dancing. It was the coolest thing I've ever seen/felt. I cannot wait to meet my little girl. I also had a good day at work today. I have been working in the infant room at the YMCA and lifting them is becoming impossible. I was originally hired as a receptionist but have not been at the desk at all. Today I finally got the news that I will be working in the office instead of the classroom. Now maybe I won't break my back since the past couple days I couldn't even walk by the time I got home, from lifting the kids. Everything is looking good with the pregnancy, only 15 weeks to go!

The day came quicker than I expected to see the specialist at Children's Hospital in Boston. I was looking forward to meeting someone new and heard that he was a great doctor. He not only is an orthopedic doctor but has also written several books and teaches classes at Harvard Medical School. I was very hopeful that this doctor was going to help me. He did an exam on me and took several x-rays. It didn't take him long at all to tell me that I had multi-directional instability in my left shoulder. Most people develop this from a traumatic injury to the shoulder such as playing football or another sport. I guess I developed it just from overuse. The patients that have atraumatic onset usually have loose joints to begin with, which is what he told me I had. Multi-directional instability is basically when your shoulder dislocates in every direction possible from doing simple things such as doing your hair. This was exactly what was happening to me so I was happy to finally

Hi Everyone. I hurt my shoulder once again. Every time I lift anything it pops and I am getting so frustrated. It's so hard to work but I can't not work either. I feel like everyone is just getting annoyed with me because it happens so often but its annoying to me too and I can't help it. I don't know what to do anymore, if anyone has any suggestions let me know. =(

So, I was going into high school and wanted to cheer more than anything. I went to the tryouts to be on the Junior Varsity cheerleading squad even though I was still having problems with my shoulder. There was no way I was letting pain get in the way. Tryouts were all week and I went in there with a smile and pretending nothing was bothering me. By the next week I had received a call from the coach that I made the team. I was so excited! We started practices the summer before I started ninth grade. It was so much fun going to pool parties and cookouts while we practiced. My shoulder was throbbing but I ignored the pain until my next doctor's appointment. The next visit with the doctor was when I found out that my first doctor was giving up on me. I guess this was a good thing since he didn't know what was wrong or how to fix it. He sent me to Children's Hospital in Boston to see a specialist. I continued to cheer until the day came when my new doctor would give me

So Ryan and I are finally all moved in to our new condo. It is a beautiful place and much bigger than our last apartment. Last week Ryan had off from school so his parents came to visit. They helped us move and we got to spend some time with them, it was a lot of fun. My pregnancy is going well. My baby girl moves all over the place now and my belly is growing and growing. We ordered her crib yesterday so I am very excited to get her room all set up! I have been getting a lot of spasms in my foot lately and my hand is still infected. Hopefully it clears up soon and my foot doesn't get stuck permanently like my hand. Well off to watch the celtics and get ready for bed.. Since my internet is working now I will be updating this more often :)

Just to update everyone, Ryan and I are moving the rest of our stuff into our new condo today. I haven't had time to write in a while and won't have interenet right away but I will be back, so don't stop following! :)

Yesterday I went to my doctor to have an ultrasound and check the baby. She is doing wonderful and I got a 3D ultrasound so I could see her little face and button nose. My doctor wanted me to see an infectious disease doctor because my hand is becoming raw. I went there today, which ended up being a waste of time. She told me I need to see a neurologist ASAP! Well.. no kidding. I've been trying to see a neurologist since last May. I found a neurologist here in Florida that takes my insurance and had an appointment and everything... too good to be true. They changed their mind and decided they didn't feel like dealing with a high risk pregnancy, so they won't see me. I guess I'll just wait until my whole body is a spasm.. then I'll worry about it.

When the pain came back in my shoulder after the cortizone shot, I called my doctor right away (well, my mom called). He said I would have to get another shot and it would probably help for another six weeks. I didn't like the sounds of this but I did like being pain free. I went through the pain once again, having the needle go in and poke my shoulder. I had the same reaction as I did the first time, the pain was worse then better. I went back to cheerleading and this routine became a vicious cycle. I couldn't take it anymore. After so much pain and frustration, we went back to the doctor determined to find an answer. He ran more tests, including a bone scan, and never found an answer. Even though I never knew they were testing me for bone cancer, my parents did and were very worried. This was getting ridiculous. By this time I was going into high school. My dream was to cheer on the high school cheerleading squad and at this rate it wasn't going to happen. The

The thought of losing my hand never crossed my mind until my neurologist said I could lose it about six times in one visit. My fingers have been stuck in a fist for nearly two years and Ive had small blisters under the fingers but nothing like I have now. The weather is getting warmer and I think my skin is more sensitive because I am pregnant. I now have blisters in the whole inside of my hand and its very very painful. I have been trying very hard to keep gauze on it at all times to keep it dry but its not getting better. The problem is I have only lived in Florida for a year and my neurologist is in Massachusetts. He no longer takes my insurance, and neither does anyone here. I want to hold my baby girl with both my hands, I want to hold her hand as she crosses the street, I want to braid her hair, change her diaper and teach her how to cheer. I do not want to lose my hand, and I won't. I'm working on finding a way to make it better...

So I was 12 years old and was just told I couldn't cheer for a while... how devastating. I cried that night, not because I was in pain but because I thought my dreams were shattered. I showed up at practice the next day with a sling on and told everyone I couldn't compete. As time went by and I followed the doctors instructions, I noticed my shoulder didn't heal. I was in just as much pain six weeks later as I was to begin with. I had a follow up with my doctor and he told me he made a mistake. My shoulder was never broken. As happy as I was, I was a little confused and scared at what it was if it wasn't that. After x-rays, MRI's, and CT scans they decided it was tendonitis. I was told to take it easy and come back for a cortizone shot, which should help some of the pain. I remember laying on the table with tears pouring down my cheeks as he inserted a needle into my shoulder. I felt it hit the bone and move all around it. It was very very painful. The p

Today I had a little scare. I was at work and decided to "jump" to get something out of reach. I realized as soon as I did it and as soon as my boss yelled "you can't jump like that", that I was making a mistake. I felt my stomach muscles stretch and pull. Its been achy since but I think Hailey and I will be just fine, just a little stretch of the muscles. I guess I didn't do enough situps before I got pregnant to get me used to this! By the way, I work at a childcare center. I work in the infant room with babies 3 months to 1 year. I love the children and its definately giving me some practice but some days are difficult. Its very hard to lift the older children with my shoulders the way they are and with a belly growing more and more each day. I just hope I can lift my own baby girl. More on how this all began tomorrow! :) Goodnight!

Hi again! I'm going to tell you a little bit about how this all started. I have always loved cheerleading. When I was younger I used to go to my sister's cheerleading competitions and wish I was out on the floor with her. I would throw my hands in the air and pretend I knew what I was doing, just imitating her. When I was old enough to learn, she taught me all the cheers she knew. I would practice all the time and when I was eight I got to actually be on my own team. It was the greatest feeling in the world! My sister also taught me how to tumble, stunt and dance! It was so much fun! That year I got to cheer at my first football game with my own uniform on. I got to go to my first cheerleading competition and actually compete. I made a lot of new friends and couldn't have been happier if I tried! I continued to cheer each year after that. In 1998, I was 12 years old, my shoulder started to ache. Practices got harder for me since there was so much repetition. I

Well, hello there and welcome to my blog. These last couple months have been stressful, exciting, painful, happy and scary. I'm working on keeping these feelings positive! A couple of years ago I was diagnosed with Dystonia. My left hand has curled into a fist and I can no longer use my fingers. My wrist is permanantly stuck in a spasm and I now wear a brace 24/7. I get daily spasms in my feet and sometimes its hard to walk because I don't know when it is going to happen. I have muscle spasms in my back quite often and occassionally in my neck and jaw. On top of the dystonia, I have multi-directional instability in both of my shoulders, causing them to dislocate very frequently. In February, 2010 I took a home pregnancy test and it was positive! It was the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Although my boyfriend and I were a little nervous, we smiled and started to plan our life together with our baby that was on the way. Since then, I haven't been able