Swimming Against The Current

Staying positive through everything has been the hardest part of this journey. It’s been harder than the pain, the trips to Boston and Albany, the surgeries, the appointments and the therapies. When you deal with something for so long, you start to change the way you think. Being negative was making me depressed and anxious because I kept having thoughts I was never going to have my hand back.  At the end of May I had surgery to fix all the tendons that were damaged from being contracted for so long. I was expecting an immediate fix and it didn’t happen. It’s been 6 weeks since that surgery and I still can’t bend my fingers. I got the pins out this morning and was told my hand is in spasm in the opposite direction now, making my fingers hyperextended. I now have two different kinds of braces to wear to prevent them from hyperextending and many exercises to do several times a day. Lately I’ve been wondering if my hand will ever be normal again and some days I question whether or ...

I’m having a hard time accepting what is happening. I grew up loving sports. Softball and cheerleading was my life. I remember how upsetting it was when my shoulders started to dislocate and I had to miss so many days of practices, games and competitions. It was heartbreaking but I knew I’d get through it... and I did. I had dreams of playing catch with my kids and teaching them how to play ball. When my hand first started to curl in, I didn’t think too much of it and I kept thinking that if I just keep fighting, it will open. And it did. After my first dbs fixed all my symptoms it was easy to stay positive. I had ups and downs, good days and bad but for the most part my dystonia was gone for about 7 years.  This time it’s different. When I had my dbs redone in January, I was very excited. My right side improved within a week and my left side did too, just not 100%. I knew it was helping my hand because it wasn’t as tight but I couldn’t straighten my fingers all the way. Everyon...

Leading up to my surgery, I had some of the worst dreams that I didn’t want to share until it was over. Every day, I thought something was going to prevent me from having this surgery done. I had this sick feeling deep in my stomach that something would go wrong. And when nothing happened in the days leading me to surgery, I thought for sure something was going to happen in the OR. Last Sunday night, at the hotel in Albany, I don’t think I slept more than 20 minutes. I got up before my alarm, took a hot bath and prepared myself for this. I felt this feeling of excitement that the day was finally here but also a feeling of panic.  I met with my surgeon and two other surgeons helping her, a few nurses, and 2 or 3 anesthesiologists. Each one had different information that I tried to absorb but thinking back now I don’t think I understood a single thing any of them said. They finally were ready to bring me into the OR and I couldn’t have anything to relax me because it may interfe...

2018 was the worst year I’ve had when it comes to my dystonia but the best year I’ve had when it comes to happiness. I learned to never give up and to always fight for what you want and what you need. Although I’m still trying to get better at standing up for myself, I’ve improved greatly over the last year. My doctors in Boston stopped helping me which pushed me to find answers somewhere else. Eventually I ended up back with my surgeon in Albany, who has always come through and helped me overcome every struggle I’ve ever had with my dystonia. Once again, she’s helping me and next week I will have my DBS redone. The stress is killing me trying to find help with the kids, but I’m so thankful for my family and friends for always helping me. In times like this, I want to give up and just cancel my surgery because finding help is very difficult, but I cannot be the mother I need to be in the condition I’m in and getting help will, in the long run, help my children as well. One of the big...

It was a week day evening and we decided to order Chinese food.  It was a great idea in my head until we got it delivered and it came in those flimsy white to go boxes.  When Cody was finished with his three bites, I grabbed the box to put it in the fridge and dropped the entire thing all over the kitchen floor. It was a rainy Saturday afternoon and we decided to take a ride to look at some cars.  I was walking back through the parking lot and tripped and fell into a massive puddle.  The kids stood there asking me if I was ok, and I couldn't get up because I couldn't use my hands to push myself off the ground. One day, we were driving and I went to pick up my coffee to take a sip and I dropped it and spilled it all over the car. Most of you probably just think i'm clumsy and don't understand why these things would bother me so much.  The truth is, it's annoying, frustrating, embarrasing, and painful.  These are just a few examples of things ...

Look for something positive in each day, even if some days you have to look a little harder. Recently, my days have been hard and painful and its hard to stay positive but I have been trying very hard to find the good in every situation, even when it feels impossible.  Back in October, when my dystonia symptoms started to flare up, I got discouraged but I had hope that things would get better.  When the tingling in my head started and I had to shut my DBS off, I got scared and lost most of my positive attitude.  When I had surgery in March, the tingling went away and once again I had hope.  Unfortunately, that surgery didn't work and I was right back where I started, but without that feeling in my head. I tried to stay positive over the months, I called my doctor daily and I researched answers and treatments.  Slowly I began to get discouraged again.  I got tired of being in pain and tired of spending every day all day on the phone and realized I w...

About 10 months ago, I began re-living the nightmare I had back in 2008.  My hands and feet began curling in and over these 10 months my symptoms have just continued to get worse and worse.  I have been going o Brigham and Women's Hospital to have my DBS settings changed, I received botox and tried different medications.  Nothing was working and the frustration was taking over my life.  I spent hours and hours day after day searching for doctors, and treatments and answers.  Two weeks ago I met with the neurosurgeon and my neurologist, who told me basically there was nothing else they could do.  They said they could do more botox, change my settings or make a lesion in my thalamus.  I wasn't pleased with this appointment but tried to stay positive because he told me he would call me within a day or two with a date for botox.  I never heard from him. I pushed and pushed for a second opinion.  I am done waiting around and having this pain ever...