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Its been a while...

When it comes to my dystonia, my surgeries and being sick, I feel like I am a very strong person.  I have gone through 6 shoulder surgeries and basically 4 brain surgeries in my 25 years of life.  Yeah, it was painful, I had side effects, I had problems with the infection and it was a long road but I fought through it, being positive through the whole thing. 
When it comes to life though, I am not a strong person at all.  I cant stand up for myself, I cant say no, and I feel guilty for months if I make someone upset.  I try so hard to make everyone happy and its just impossible.  I cant seem to do anything right, I feel useless and like I have no purpose in life.  I am trying very hard to change this about my self, to be strong and stand up for what I want, what I believe in and what I need but its just so hard. 
As for my dystonia...  Things are going great.  When I was pregnant with Hailey something very weird happened, my dystonia was so much better.  Well...  It has gotten a lot better again because I'm pregnant AGAIN!  I am so excited to meet my new little one and see how great of a big sister Hailey is!  I know she will love him/her so much!  Right now I am about 10 1/2 weeks, so its still early.  I am due the beginning of February.  I have been feeling pretty good.  My hand is doing REALLY good and I use it all the time.  I havent really had any spasms anywhere else since being pregnant, just an occassional twitch or something and the normal back pain (which is probably mostly because of pregnancy).  We will see if I feel this great when the baby comes, I hope it doesnt get worse again!
And little miss Hailey... she's doing wonderful.  Shes been talking so much lately!  She repeats a lot of what we say and shes getting so big so fast!  She will be 2 in September, I cant believe it! 
Anyway, I hope everyone is still reading even though its been a while since I last wrote.  Check back soon and hopefully I can keep up with it better!  :)

Comments

  1. bionicrunnerAugust 3, 2012 at 12:46 PM

    You know, I feel that way a lot. I think being chronically ill changes us; sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. but be thankful for the people who are important in your life, especially your family and friends. I was always very quiet and submissive. I was bullied when I was in middle school by means of exclusion or simply ignored. Other (popular girls) always asked if they could copy my homework - how could I say no? And if I did, say no, I'd within 20 seconds change my mind. Did it make them like me? No. It just spread around that "Nicole's nice, she'll do it." And now, I get angry that everyday things like grocery shopping and doing laundry are more difficult for me, especially when I was one of the best former athletes from my old high school. But that was over 10 years ago.

    I think you are special because you are a mom. I feel inadequate or that there is something wrong with me because I don't have that strong maternal instinct. My mom always told me that would change once I "had my own" but after my last appointment with my OB, she told me all the risks involved with regards to the meds I am on and pregnancy. So, I dunno.

    Adoption. Sometimes I think I might not be a good mother, so I fear taking the step toward going that route. I feel I would be turned down for whatever reason. I feel I would be disppointing my husband. In short, I would feel like a weak person. But you know what... I try to keep my chin up.

    I have a great family and wonderful in-laws. I am still a decent runner despite being disabled and havign a chronic knee injury. I did really well in college and bought my own condominium before me husbandand I were married. I coach middle school girls in a program that encourages positive relations, community service, and healthy living. I realize I'm stronger than I think I am. Anyway, to close this out...

    “Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. Christopher Robin to Pooh”

    Cheers,
    Nicole

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