Parenting

    For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mother.  I watched my mom my entire life, admiring her and hoping that someday I would be half the mom she is.  I pictured myself with a lot kids, bringing them for walks and to the playground.  I pictured family trips to Disney World, to the beach and just to the mall.  I pictured my kids laughing and being best friends and growing up together in a perfect house with a perfect yard.  I pictured a perfect family. 

     When you think about being a parent, often times you don’t think about what comes along with it.  There is a lot more to being a mother then playing dress up.  When I found out I was pregnant for the first time, it was a big surprise.  I was living in Florida and didn’t have my family with me to help me plan for it.  Immediately, though I fell in love.  I fell in love when my belly started growing, more in love when I found out it was a girl and by the time I had a massive ball of baby, I was so in love I just wanted to meet her more than anything.  The love I felt when she was born though was something I never imagined possible.  I looked down at her beautiful face that looked just like Ryan’s and knew for the first time in my life what love at first sight was.  Hailey was perfectly healthy.  She ate when she was supposed to, grew when she was supposed to and met all her milestones when she was supposed to.  It has been so much fun to watch her grow into the crazy, loving toddler she is today. 

     When I found out I was pregnant again, Hailey was 21 months old.  I was ready for her to be a big sister.  Again, I fell in love immediately.  The further along I got, the harder it was.  I kept saying to myself, “whose idea was it to have more than one kid?”  I quickly realized that taking care of a toddler while being pregnant and having dystonia is simply impossible.  As hard as it was though, I loved that baby growing inside of me and I knew this difficult time would surely pass or else why would anyone have more than one child?  When I found out I was having a boy, I was so excited.  This was going to be my “perfect family” I always dreamed about, my boy and my girl.

     On February 3, 2013, Hailey became a big sister.  And On February 3, 2013 I realized a whole different kind of parenting.  Of course, the first time I held him I experienced my second moment of love at first sight and felt so blessed to have two perfect children. 

    When I pictured myself as a mother, I never ever pictured myself holding my toddler down to calm her tantrums, I never pictured my 2 ½ year old with a pacifier (because I swore I wouldn’t use them), I never pictured myself in a king sized bed with a newborn on my chest and my toddler sleeping sideways with her legs in my ribs, I never pictured myself in the cafeteria at Children’s Hospital literally sobbing all alone while my one week old slept in the NICU, I never pictured myself bringing my newborn to two doctors appointments a week, while dragging my toddler along with us and expecting her to behave, I never pictured myself to be one of those parents running through the mall with a screaming toddler and a hungry infant, I never pictured myself getting up at 5am to be somewhere for 10, I never pictured myself having visiting nurses and early intervention come to my house to make sure my baby was meeting his milestones and gaining weight, I never pictured myself literally staring at my baby all day long to make sure he doesn’t choke or go into heart failure, I never pictured my toddler to cry to eat popsicles and gummies all day long and nothing else and me letting her, I never pictured every room to be filled with toys and crumbs all the time, no matter how much I clean up, I never pictured myself to be so overtired and stressed out but so absolutely in love that I feel like I could go an entire week without sleep just to take care of my children. 

     No one told me how difficult being a mother is.  I expected it to be simple.  I am not at all the mother I thought I would be.  I wanted my children to eat healthy, not watch a lot of tv, brush their teeth regularly, be off a bottle and pacifier by one.  What I didn’t realize was that my children were going to rule my world and sometimes it’s not worth the tears to say no.  I know that someday they won’t be sleeping with me, they will be potty trained and they won’t want me anymore.  I don’t want that time to come so right now I am enjoying every minute of being a parent.  It is the most difficult job anyone will ever experience but it’s also the most rewarding.  I have learned that patience is something every parent needs and sometimes I don’t have any.  I will admit that I get frustrated sometimes but then I look at my beautiful children and realize how young they are and how could I expect so much from them? 

     So, for now my popsicle eating, tv watching, temper tantrum toddler and my baby boy who isn’t yet doing some things he should are my world, my everything and all I want is for them to be happy.  It’s not about doing everything you “should” or doing everything that everyone else is doing.  It’s about doing everything that works for you, for your family, and for your children.  My children are happy and that makes me happy and I know they will grow up to be very smart individuals with a lot of love to give.