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Fears

 I have had some fears in my life. I was scared to give birth and scared to be a mother. I was scared to get married and scared to get divorced. I was scared to go on a first date and have a new relationship. I was scared to fall in love but once I did I was scared to lose that feeling. I’m scared of being on a bridge in my car. I’m scared of saying no. I’m scared of hurting people. I was scared to have brain surgery and didn’t think I was going to wake up. I have an unrealistic fear of a raccoon attacking me. I’m scared to share my opinion with most people. I’m scared of big crowds and feeling out of place. Im scared of losing the people I love and I’m scared about where I’m going to live. Many of these fears are things I live with every day but don’t talk about. Many of them are things I’m working to get over and live with. 

The thing that has scared me the most is dystonia in my abdominal muscles. When my stomach tightens up, I can’t catch my breathe and it’s hard to talk. My biggest fear is that my DBS isn’t working again. I’ve had three DBS systems put in. One got infected and one broke. I will not do this again so if this was doesn’t work I don’t know how I’ll end up. 

I’m so thankful for Jim, who has stood by my side every day. He always makes sure I’m ok and takes care of me.

My biggest hope is to make all my symptoms go away before the wedding next year. Maybe these spasms will help me lose weight! (Haha!) 

I’m ready to be pain free and spasm free and be able to enjoy every single day with my children, my fiancé and my family. I have an appointment Monday with my neurologist and hoping for the best! ❤️ 

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