Swimming Against The Current

2012 brought me so many great things.  The biggest thing was my hand.  At the beginning of 2012, I opened my hand and it has pretty much been open since.  Some days I have tightness but after stretching it and working with it, the tendons are no longer shortened and I can use my hand like I could 4 years ago.  Its a great relief, especially with the baby coming.  My mom reminded me the other day how difficult it was to give Hailey a bath with one hand and with that wrist brace on.  This time it will be so much easier.  I had a hard time but I was so used to not having my hand that it was just normal for me.  My foot is still giving me a lot of problems.  Most days its pretty painful, especially if Im walking a lot or standing for long periods.  I try not to talk about it a lot or complain because there is nothing that can be done.   I am due 5 weeks from tomorrow so hopefully once Cody is born, I can have my settings changed a...

Well my baby is growing quickly, which means so is my belly.  This pregnancy, surprisingly, is going by a lot faster then I had anticipated.  Its much different then my first pregnancy, which I heard is usually true with your second child. When I was pregnant with Hailey, I got pretty big but I dont remember to be so big, so fast!  I had morning sickness with Hailey for about 13 weeks.  I have not been sick at all this time.  Also, with Hailey I rested whenever I wanted.   This pregnancy, there is no such thing as rest!  Hailey has me up and moving at all times of the day (and night)!  Sometimes I really need a good nights sleep and she just doesnt like to go to bed!  I have realized so much from being a mother in just two short years.  There were so many things I wanted to do as a mother before I had Hailey, and its just so much easier said then done!  I wanted to have the "perfect" child, who was off her bottle at one ...

 My foot has now been curled in for nearly a month.  My physical therapist cant really get it straight.  My ob sends me to my neurologist, who sends me to PT, who sends me back to the neurologist.  Im not sure if no one knows what to do or if no one wants to deal with it because Im pregnant.  My neurologist has told me that the only real option is to admit me to the hospital for a few days and try changing the DBS settings.  I would have to be in the hospital so thet could monitor me and make sure the baby was okay.  The biggest risk is that the dystonia could move into my abdominal muscles.  The chances of this happening seems slim to me since Ive never really had symptoms there before but I dont know.  The risks are very unclear because there hasn't been enough people in this situation.  I would think if the symptoms moved into my abdomen, we could change the settings back to where they are now.  I am not sure what to do because m...

The question I most often ask myself is if I would rather have no use of my hand or my foot.  Now that my left foot has been curled in for four days, I have realized how much easier it is to have no hand.       Although when my hand was curled in, I was uncomfortable and aggrivated.  I hated not being able to do my hair, cut my food, do my daughters hair, get her dressed, change her diaper.  It was all a struggle but after three and a half years I learned to adapt and learned to do all of these things with one hand and one curled in hand.  That was my normal and when I got my hand back, it was great but it was also weird.  I basically had to re learn how to do everything.  My fingers still ache and its still hard to do things but im getting back into the swing of having two hands and it feels great.      I felt very positive about the DBS, it changed my life.  I am so grateful for my doctors and so ha...

Its been a while since I wrote here.  I have had a lot going on lately and miss Hailey is almost two so she requires a lot of attention!  She is just hilarious.  She has been talking more and more each day.  She sings all the time and dances.  Her favories song is pontoon by little big town and cries to listen to it in the car.  She absolutely loves dora and anything and everything that's dora related.  She also likes to get her way.  If she doesnt get her way, you can bet there will be a little tantrum going on.  She is at such a fun age and I love every minute of it.  Last Saturday, Ryan and I got married.  We had a small ceremony in his parents back yard mainly for insurance reasons and we will have our big wedding next June.  We wanted to have a nice wedding with all of our family and friends, a white dress, bridesmaids and groomsmen and all of that but we just couldnt get it all together for this year, it was just too muc...

For some reason I thought these nine months were going to be great.  I thought I was going to have little to no symptoms and everything would be perfect.  At the beginning of the pregnancy I felt pretty good and the only real problem I had was my back but I thought it was because of the pregnancy itself more then the dystonia.  Im starting to think otherwise. My back hurts so bad I can barely step on my left leg.  My left foot has been curling in and today my back is pulling in making it difficult to do anything.  I have two birthday's to shop for and grocery shopping to do and I just cant seem to get to the store because I am in so much pain.  I dont know if I should see my neurologist, my ob, walk or just lay on a heating pad.  I thought walking was good but Hailey doesnt sit in the stroller so walking and carrying a 22 month old probably isnt great for the pain.  So, any way if anyone out there has any suggestions for me that'd be great! ...

When it comes to my dystonia, my surgeries and being sick, I feel like I am a very strong person.  I have gone through 6 shoulder surgeries and basically 4 brain surgeries in my 25 years of life.  Yeah, it was painful, I had side effects, I had problems with the infection and it was a long road but I fought through it, being positive through the whole thing.  When it comes to life though, I am not a strong person at all.  I cant stand up for myself, I cant say no, and I feel guilty for months if I make someone upset.  I try so hard to make everyone happy and its just impossible.  I cant seem to do anything right, I feel useless and like I have no purpose in life.  I am trying very hard to change this about my self, to be strong and stand up for what I want, what I believe in and what I need but its just so hard.  As for my dystonia...  Things are going great.  When I was pregnant with Hailey something very weird happened, my dystonia w...