Swimming Against The Current

It has been almost six years since my DBS was placed.  The most horrifying experience but so life changing.  My days got better over the years as my hands began working again.  With the exception of a couple bumps in the road, my life has drastically improved.  My happiness escalated and I felt so free and able to move and live my life to the fullest.  Without DBS, I can't imagine how difficult it would be to raise my children, to change them, drive them, play with them and hold their little hands as they learn new things. Over the last several months, my eyes have really been giving me a lot of trouble. The pain shoots through my eyeballs like a knife.  The room spins and fills with stars. My neck aches and my head feels like it weighs nearly 100 lbs. I have been to several eye doctors, neurologists, neuro eye doctors, and my primary care doctor and no one really knows what this is from or what is causing it.  Some days I want to rip my DBS out of my...

Have you ever sat in a waiting room while your child is in surgery?  Staring at the clock, looking at your phone, trying to read a magazine but your not comprehending anything your reading. By 10:00 you've had 3 coffees and barely any food because your child couldn't eat, so why would you.  Hours pass and you pace the hallways, stare at the other families as the doctors come get them and tell them their child is ok.  The longest days of my life are the days my child goes in for surgery.  The minutes pass like hours and the anxiety within me is unbearable.  Just thinking about another one of these days scares me.  It's not about me.  It's about my poor little Cody.  He doesn't know what's going on, but yet he does.  He's starting to realize what surgery means and he is starting to ask every family member if they will visit him. The minutes after the surgery is over is the scariest.  It's always the same.  They come get me and tell ...

I believe in kindness and helping people.  I believe that no matter what, you should smile at the person walking by you on the street even if they don't smile back.  I believe in sunsets and dancing in the rain.  I believe in finding the good in every situation even if it feels like your life is about to end. The last year has been rough.  I've been through a lot and I'm still here, standing tall and proud.  I have fought through obstacles, stood strong for my children and changed my life in the matter of days.  There are a lot of things about life that are hard.  It's hard to smile when you find out your dad is in the hospital with pneumonia and the flu and will be intubated for 9 days.  It's hard to laugh when your son is going in for his 12th surgery in just a couple weeks, It's hard to stand tall when nothing around you feels right.  But, I have learned that sitting on the couch and crying and feeling sorry for myself will get me NO...

That moment when your driving in the car and your favorite song comes on and your singing away, turning up the volume over the voices of your fighting kids.  Then your 5 year old screams and cries because its too loud and your 3 year old is screaming "window down" then you put his window down and he puts it up himself then screams "window down" over and over.  Then you get to the store and your 5 year old is flipping out because she doesn't want to go in, and your 3 year old has no shoes on and is soaked from squeezing his cup all over himself. Then you decide you'll bring them to the playground because that will be fun, right?  and then the 3 year old runs so fast he falls and scrapes his knee and the 5 year old is too hot and too shy to talk to her friends and sweating, and thirsty, and hungry, and miserable. And then you tell them its time to leave and they both cry because its sooo much fun suddenly. So, you stay. And then they hate it. So, you bring the...

Over the last few weeks, I started to develop symptoms again, mostly in my left hand.  I decided to check my DBS battery and it said ERI.  At first, I thought this meant it was dead but then I looked into it and it seemed like it was still working but the battery was running low.  Last Tuesday I saw my neurologist and he confirmed my battery was dying and I needed to schedule surgery ASAP.  They managed to get me in pretty quickly, and yesterday morning, I went in to have it replaced. I was concerned because it has only been a little over a year since I had it replaced.  I do not want to do this every year!  My first battery lasted 3 years! The neurosurgeon and the rep from Medtronic both talked to me about my settings.  They said they are very high and they are concerned that the leads in my head could be misplaced.  This would cause the DBS to not work 100% effectively.  If my symptoms don't improve, they want to do an MRI to check the ...

Life is too short to be anything but happy.  I believe in happiness, and I believe in love and laughter and creating a beautiful life of all things that you've ever dreamed of.  I believe in fairytales and magic and the imagination of an innocent child. I imagined my life full of love and happiness and raising beautiful, healthy, strong children.  I imagined myself living in a beautiful home with a beautiful yard and becoming a writer.  Sometimes our lives don't turn into the fairytale we imagine its going to be but it turns into something so much better and so much more beautiful.  My children are so amazing and have taught me what it means to be strong, how it feels to love someone more than life itself and how precious time is and how fast the days go by.  I never became a writer but everything else came true. I hope to someday be a motivational speaker. I want to share with the world everything ive overcome.  I am proud of myself for fig...

Its been a long time since the last time I wrote.  I have been enjoying my days with my children and taking in all the little things we often take for granted.  I am so lucky to be able to stay home with them and enjoy this time with them.  In March, I had my DBS battery replaced for the first time.  The surgery itself was not bad.  When I came out of anesthesia, I saw the Medtronic tech, who adjusted my settings.  My hand had been curled in again for some time and so it was tricky getting the settings right.  I was twitching a lot and having a lot of movement in my left shoulder.  They wanted to lower the settings after this surgery, to hopefully make the battery last a little longer this time.  The twitching in my left side did not stop until they put the settings back up to 9Volts again, where it was before the battery change.  I left the hospital that night, with my hand still curled in and feeling dizzy.  We thought this was...